The festive season is almost upon us and with it the hordes of uninvited relatives who find their way to our homes.
Opinion by Grace Mutandwa
I come from a small family and have never had to deal with people suddenly turning up on my doorstep and forgetting to go back where they came from. But I know many people who complain about relatives who just show up uninvited. They usually come to spend the major holidays and expect to be fed like kings and queens.
A colleague always has to entertain members of her husband’s huge extended family. Normally she just accepts it in the knowledge that once the holiday is over they will leave. But last Christmas one of the relatives came and has still not left.
It is good to have visitors but it is even better to have visitors who are considerate enough to ask you first. In today’s economy many people are struggling to provide for their own families without the extra burden of uninvited visitors.
Relatives get on along better when they do not suffocate each other by inflicting constant companionship on each other. The adage absence makes the heart grow fonder is not just meant for lovers but relatives as well. The less you see of each other, the more you are likely to miss each other and actually yearn to spend some time together.
Apart from the trouble of having to entertain and feed people, there is the issue of space. Urbanisation has brought with it the need for people to value their privacy more. While some people might like sharing some parts of their lives with relatives, an increasing number of people find it easier to share with outsiders than extended family members. Outsiders usually remember to go back home.
The colleague I mention above is tired of her husband’s 20-year-old niece who has since assumed the role of the mistress of all she surveys. She orders domestic staff about and even decides what food is prepared for supper. When she is not painting her toenails or trying on my colleague’s daughters’ clothes, she hogs the television and satellite decoder remote controls. She is not going anywhere anytime soon.
My colleague’s daughters have tried to stop the “visitor” from wearing their clothes but she has developed a hearing problem and her memory only works when she wills it. Nothing is sacred to this young woman. She is into everyone’s business and thinks nothing of adding her two cents to a discussion that has nothing to do with her.
Only invite relatives if you mean it I have personally found that if you do not want to be overrun by visitors, you should never pretend to invite people. Do not encourage people to visit if you know you really do not want them to do so because some people will take you up on your offer. Believe me, it will not turn you into a good daughter-in-law or good sister-in-law if you pretend not to mind too many visitors. Life is too short, do not let unwelcome visitors shorten it even further.
Overstaying one’s welcome is bad manners In the past, when all people had to do was spread a few mats and blankets and were not averse to sleeping in one large heap, things were simpler. Now many people have bought beds for their children and expect their children to sleep peacefully, they do not always welcome people who overstay their welcome. It messes the sleeping arrangements.
Our lives have changed. We have changed but sadly not everyone has embraced this change. People travelling all the way from rural homes expect to be welcomed and fussed over for as long as they stay. They should expect it yes, but they must also expect to be met with a deep lack of enthusiasm.
While I feel sorry for my colleague and other female friends who hate being descended upon by hordes of relations, I think it is also important to gently make it clear to extended members of the family that you are happy to have them but only for short periods. You do not have to be nasty but you should be firm and honest about how you feel and the strain the unscheduled visits put you under.
You will of course be resented back home when other members of the family are told with great embellishment about how unaccommodating you are, but they will get over it.
Everyone has favourite relatives but these almost never visit as much as the troublesome ones. Apart from adults who just hop onto a bus and unleash an unwanted surprise, there are parents who encouraged their children to squeeze out invitations from unsuspecting relatives. I always wonder about such parents. Do they off-load their offspring onto relatives because they cannot feed them or because they are tired of them? If you do not want your children around you, why do you assume someone else does?
Relatives should be polite to each other and considerate of each other’s feelings and circumstances. You must never assume that because your aunt, cousin, brother or sister is slightly better off than you, he or she is dying to have you take up permanent residence at his or her home. Good manners are not just about being courteous to others, but also about not overstaying your welcome.
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