Virgin status ignites debate on sex

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A while ago First Lady Grace Mugabe both surprised and shocked some people when she announced to other women at a religious gathering that her daughter was a virgin.

A while ago First Lady Grace Mugabe both surprised and shocked some people when she announced to other women at a religious gathering that her daughter was a virgin.

Inside Track with Grace Mutandwa

There had been rumours a few years ago of her daughter being gang-raped. Zimbabwe is a country that runs on gossip. But eventually those spreading the rumours soon moved onto other bits of juicy gossip.

The fact that the first family ignored that piece of gossip might have helped to kill it off. Sometimes, responding to every negative piece of news actually gives it currency and encourages its continued spread.

So, some people were taken aback when the First Lady decided to publicly share that her daughter was still a virgin. In a country where some 12-year-olds are already sexual experts, it is refreshing to hear of a 24-year-old virgin. This announcement got people debating the whole virginity issue.

Traditionally, parents usually get confirmation of their daughter’s virginity from the payment of a special cow to the bride’s mother by the son-in-law. This is his way of thanking his mother-in-law for ensuring that his bride kept her virginity intact and saved herself for her husband. When this happens families celebrate.

Young people these days are more open so it was quite easy for me to talk to both young men and young women about the issue of virginity. I have spoken to 12 and 13-year-olds, who have been honest about their level of sexual activity. I have also had the chance to talk to young people in their 20s who have not yet had sex.

Some young women said they wanted their first sexual encounter to be with their future husband. But others said they wanted some sexual experience but they just had not managed to get the right men to do it with.

Most young men I spoke to have already had some sexual experience of sorts. They all admitted that they would love to have sex with a virgin, but did not really care if the women they eventually marry were already deflowered. Even older men told me women placed more value on virginity than they did. Older men I spoke to said while they would like to have sex with a virgin, they were not really keen on marrying a woman who had no experience.

In fact, some of the men said they preferred the women they marry to have some sexual experience. On the other hand, the virgins strongly believed that their maidenhead held the key to a long lasting relationship. These women see their virginity as a bargaining chip for a strong marriage.

Some parents of daughters said although they would like their daughters to remain virgins until they marry, they were worried about the fact that the young men were not going out of their way to remain virgins. Society is still very indulgent, in as far as young men are concerned. Young men are encouraged to sow wild oats as much as they want and the simple requirement seems to be that they use protection.

Is it fair that young women should remain pure only to end up in a marriage to a young man who is probably already infected by all forms of sexual diseases or much worse HIV and Aids?

As parents, should we not be encouraging both boys and girls to respect their bodies? Is it not wiser to teach both our sons and daughters about a healthy sexual life?

Healthy sex lives, not virginity bind marriages

The other side of this whole virginity matter is a growing realisation by some parents that sexual inexperience is affecting some of today’s marriages. There are no longer aunts and uncles to teach the young people how to please each other in bed and how to grow healthy marriages.

Most young people are learning from pornography sold on our streets and putting what they learn into practice with a random selection of willing girls.

We have a situation where a virgin marries a young man who has vast experience. Love they say conquers all, but the reality is that, sometimes, sexual prowess trumps love.

The truth is that even for couples that love each other, sexual compatibility strengthens their relationship. We have cases of both men and women who love their spouses but seek sexual gratification elsewhere. Whether we like it or not, good sex is the glue that holds healthy relationships.

Of what value is virginity in today’s world? Is it fair trade when you give your daughter’s hand to a young man who has not seen it fit to preserve his own purity? Does virginity guarantee that your daughter will have a long happy marriage?

How many young virgins marry and eventually end up is in extra-marital relationships because they either want to explore or desperately need sexual fulfilment?

I have heard some women say they wish they had explored a bit more. I know married women who have extra-marital sex and they go to church every Sunday — they belong to the mothers’ union and some of them pretend to uphold traditional values.

I have listened to some women say they would like their daughters to know more about sex before they marry. These are married women and I think it is not an easy conclusion for them to reach — they know what they are talking about. They are using their own experiences to arrive at such a decision. They value virginity but they also value the importance of sexual knowledge.

The truth is not always convenient but sometimes we need the truth to set ourselves free. We need to talk to our sons and daughters not just about their degree programmes and respecting their bodies, but also about the various aspects of relationships. Even more important, virginity should not just be about the girl.

Grace Mutandwa is a Communications Specialist, Media Trainer, and published Author. She can be reached at: email: [email protected] Twitter: GraceMutandwa1 Skype: Wisteria42