Gogo had forgotten where she put her spectacles again. The whole family laughed when her granddaughter eventually found them resting on top of her head.
“Ah, Gogo, you are getting old!” someone teased.
Gogo laughed too.
A few weeks later, something happened that no one found funny.
She left home to visit a neighbour she had known for more than twenty years. The neighbour lived only a few houses away. Later, a young man from another street brought Gogo back. He had found her standing at a corner, frightened and confused.
She could not remember how to return home. This time, no one laughed.
Her daughter began to reconsider other changes the family had brushed aside. Gogo had started asking the same questions repeatedly. She sometimes forgot whether she had eaten. On two occasions, she left a pot unattended on the stove.
Until then, everyone had said the same thing: “She is getting old.” But was she?
This is one of the most important questions families need to ask when an older relative begins to change.
What is normal ageing - and when should we start paying attention?
We all forget. Let us begin with something reassuring. Forgetting something occasionally does not mean that you have dementia.
Most of us have searched for a mobile phone while holding it in our hand. We walk into a room and suddenly cannot remember why we went there. We struggle to recall someone’s name, only for it to come back to us later.
As we grow older, we may take a little longer to remember information or learn something new. We may misplace our keys or spectacles. We may occasionally forget an appointment.
These moments can be frustrating, but on their own they do not necessarily indicate dementia. The important question is not simply:
“Is this person forgetting?”
It is:
“Are these changes beginning to interfere with the person’s everyday life?”
That difference matters.
There is a difference between forgetting where you placed your spectacles and forgetting what spectacles are used for.
There is a difference between briefly forgetting someone’s name and repeatedly failing to recognise someone you know well. There is a difference between taking a wrong turn and becoming lost in a neighbourhood you have known for twenty years.
There is a difference between forgetting an appointment and becoming unable to organise activities that you previously managed without difficulty.
And there is a difference between occasionally forgetting to switch something off and repeatedly leaving cooking unattended because you have forgotten that you were cooking.
Gogo’s spectacles were something the family could laugh about. Becoming lost a few houses from home was different.
Memory is not the only change
Another misconception is that dementia is only about memory.
It is not. Sometimes the first noticeable changes may involve other aspects of everyday life. Someone who managed the household finances for decades may suddenly struggle with money.
A person known for preparing elaborate family meals may begin having difficulty following a familiar recipe.
Someone may struggle to find ordinary words during conversation.
A previously organised person may find planning simple activities increasingly difficult. There may also be changes in mood, behaviour, judgement or personality.
This is why families need to look beyond individual incidents and begin noticing patterns of change.
One forgotten appointment may mean very little. Several changes occurring repeatedly and beginning to affect independence deserve attention.
“But she was fine yesterday”
Dementia does not necessarily announce itself dramatically.
Changes can begin gradually.
Because family members see the person regularly, they may adjust without realising how much has changed.
A daughter starts reminding Mum about appointments. Someone else quietly takes over paying the bills.
A grandchild begins checking whether Gogo switched off the stove. A neighbour starts accompanying her to the shops.
Each adjustment seems small.
Over time, however, the family may have reorganised an older person’s entire life without ever stopping to ask why so much support has become necessary.
Sometimes we normalise changes because they happen slowly. And sometimes we simply do not want to consider that something may be wrong.
“She has always been forgetful.”
“He is nearly eighty. What do you expect?”
“That’s what happens when people get old.”
But dementia is not an inevitable part of ageing. Many people live into their eighties and nineties without developing dementia. Growing older and developing dementia are not the same thing.
Don’t diagnose at home
There is another side to this conversation that is equally important.
Not every memory problem is dementia. Changes in memory and thinking can have other causes. Stress, grief, depression, poor sleep, some medicines, infections and other health conditions may affect how a person thinks or remembers.
This is why families should resist diagnosing someone themselves.
The purpose of awareness is not to turn every forgotten name into a cause for alarm. It is to help us recognise when changes deserve further attention.
If memory, thinking, behaviour or ability to manage everyday activities is changing persistently, seek advice from a healthcare professional where possible.
Tell them what you have noticed.
Specific examples are useful.
Rather than simply saying:
“My mother is becoming forgetful,”
you might explain:
“She has become lost twice walking to a neighbour’s house.”
“She has started leaving pots unattended on the stove.”
“She asks whether she has eaten shortly after finishing a meal.”
Those observations tell a much clearer story.
Watch without taking away independence
There is also a delicate balance families must learn.
Concern should not immediately become control.
When we become worried about an older person, our instinct may be to start doing everything for them.
“Don’t cook anymore.”
“Give me your bank card.”
“You can’t go anywhere alone.”
“Sit down, we’ll do it for you.”
Sometimes additional support is necessary for safety.
But we must be careful not to take away independence simply because someone is getting older or becoming forgetful.
Wherever possible, support the person to continue doing what they can still do.
Help where help is needed.
Observe.
Listen.
Adapt.
But keep the person involved in decisions about their own life.
Dignity includes being allowed to remain a person - not becoming merely someone whom everybody manages.
We will return to this important subject later in this series.
Myth or fact?
Myth: Memory problems are inevitable in old age, so there is no reason to seek help.
Fact: Some mild changes in memory can occur as we grow older, but dementia is not a normal part of ageing. Persistent changes that interfere with everyday activities should not simply be dismissed.
Demaz practical tip
If you are concerned about someone you love, keep a simple record for a few weeks.
Write down:
What happened?
When did it happen?
Has it happened before?
Did it affect the person’s ability to manage an everyday activity?
Take these observations with you if you seek medical advice.
Most importantly, observe without humiliating the person.
Do not continually test them:
“Do you remember what I told you?”
“What’s my name?”
“What day is it?”
Awareness should lead to support, not interrogation.
Gogo forgetting the spectacles on her head may still give everyone something to laugh about.
Laughter has its place.
But when the changes begin interfering with the life a person has always known, we should know when to stop laughing and start paying attention.
Until next week, let us continue building a Zimbabwe where every person living with dementia is understood, supported and treated with dignity.
- Ruth Memeza is the founder and executive director of Dementia Awareness Zimbabwe (Demaz). I am an author, dementia educator and advocate with many years of experience in health and social care, including training and assessing dementia care in the United Kingdom.
- Feedback: ruthmemeza@outlook.com