lighterworld ONE day, a large group of people were waiting for the bus at a local Greyhound station. At the front of the line was a very attractive woman dressed in a black business vest, white blouse, leather miniskirt and high heels.
As the bus pulled up and the door was opened she went to board it, but found that her skirt was too tight for her to raise her leg to the required height. Looking around and thinking quickly, she reaches behind her and unzips the zipper on the back of her skirt a little and then tries again.
Again, she finds that she cannot manoeuvre the step, so once more she reaches behind her and unzips her skirt a little more.
With a smile, she looks at the bus driver and tries to board again. With disappointment, she finds that she still can't step that high and so with exasperation and a sigh she unzips her skirt the rest of the way down. To her amazement, her leg still will not reach the bottom step.
Finally, a very large man behind her gently grabs her by the waist, lifts her up and places her onto the bus. The woman furiously turns to the man and says: "Who do you think you are to touch my body in that way? I don't even know you!"
Nonplused, the Texan looks at her and replies, "Well, ma'am, after you unzipped my fly I thought we were pretty good friends."
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A MAN was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car. A cloud of feathers.
Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, rang the door bell. A farmer appeared. The man, somewhat nervously, said: "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him."
"Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "you can go join the other chickens around the back."
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FORMER President Bill Clinton and Mrs Clinton were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. On a venture one day, they stopped at a service station to fill up the car with fuel. It seemed that the owner of the station was once Hillary's high school love.
They exchanged hellos, and went on their way.
As they were driving on to their destination, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said: "Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you would be the wife of a service station owner today."
She smirked and replied, "No, if I had stayed with him, he would be President of the United States."
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A BLIND man was describing his favourite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him:
"I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog."
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.
"I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground," he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."
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A NEW soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear: No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield.
A big army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"
The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."
"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."
The general said: "Drive on!"
The sentry said: "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."
The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?"
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A General retired after 35 years and realised a life-long dream of buying a bird-hunting estate in South Dakota. He invited an old friend to visit for a week of pheasant-shooting. The friend was in awe of the General's new bird dog, "Sarge''.
The dog could point, flush and retrieve with the very best, and the friend offered to buy the dog at any price. The General declined, saying that Sarge was the very best bird dog he had ever owned and that he wouldn't part with him at any price.
A year later the same friend returned for another week of hunting and was surprised to find the General breaking in a new dog. "What happened to ole "Sarge?'' he asked.
"Had to shoot him,'' grumbled the General. "A friend came to hunt with me and couldn't remember the dog's name. He kept calling him Colonel. After that, all that damn dog would do was sit on his back and bark."
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Signs that may lead to misunderstanding
In a restroom: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.
In a Laundromat: Automatic washing machines: please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
In a London department store: Bargain basement upstairs.
In an office: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.
In another office: After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.
Outside a secondhand shop: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?
Notice in health food shop window: Closed due to illness.
Seen during a conference: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.
Notice in a farmer's field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.
Message on a leaflet: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
On a repair shop door: We can repair anything. (please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work).
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