In the real world celibacy does not make much sense to a grown man or woman. So you turn to condoms, but they come with their own problems. We have heard of some splitting and some men complaining that they are too small for their manhood. We women who have not been blessed with such implements wonder if men who claim condoms are too small for them are disabled, telling the truth or just having us on!
There is also that small matter of condoms not being 100% protective intimacy wear. A friend once told me years ago that she had, had problems with oral contraception and other forms so she and her husband had agreed to use condoms to avoid pregnancy as she was still nursing their first child.
A few months later, after a particularly steamy session, they went to sleep only to remember in the morning that they had used a condom and none of them had since laid eyes on the used condom. They searched in bed, on the floor, in the waste paper basket and eventually they had to do a body search.
Mr condom had disappeared and one month down the road my friend found herself pregnant. When the baby eventually arrived she came bearing a gift — a used condom on her head. Both parents went from being ecstatic to being thoroughly embarrassed.
Now we are dealing with a problem of another woman whose condom went on a treasure hunt and they had to fish it out. The couple was happy they found it but the woman is now scared she might be pregnant!
Why is it that no one is ever scared they might have a deadly infection? They are scared they might be pregnant!
And she has cause to be scared. She was quenching her thirst from someone else’s well. She is also not a free woman — she is married and has four daughters.
When she was telling us this story all of us girls were trying very hard not to laugh. Deep down I know we were all telling her; “We told you so”. We had warned her about fishing in forbidden ponds and trying to hang onto her wedding band.
We put our thinking caps on and one mad girl suggested that if she found that she was pregnant all she needed to do was wait until they could tell the sex of the child. If it were a boy she would tell her hubby she was pregnant. Some men are weird; they will accept a male child even if it was donated by a passerby. If it were not a boy then she would have to take a trip to South Africa or Zambia to get rid of the evidence and deal with her conscience later, if she has any.
One sister pointed out that when you catch your husband red handed he will tell you “It wasn’t me” with a straight face and get away with it.
Cheating is wrong but getting caught is insane and suicidal.
The source of headache for the said woman
The reason why we cannot always get away with murder is because our bodies tend to retain evidence — we fall pregnant. If the child shares both your genes and you are still doing it with each other and not with other people then you might have a greater chance of pulling it off.
But the woman has not made love to her husband for a very long time. You see, she only came to us because she had tried seducing her hubby and it had failed. He is impotent. Now she is feeding him all sorts of concoctions and that flag is on an indefinite strike. It has refused to rise to the occasion.
The truth is that, that woman cannot suddenly tell her husband that she is expecting. No woman that I am aware of in recent history has pulled off an immaculate conception. It happened once and God and angels were involved. How can she possibly induce her husband to dream about having a child without him physically planting the seed?
Responsible women do not leave protection to men, they protect themselves
If you cannot keep your legs crossed then buy yourself a carton of female condoms. They do not stink like the male ones and they are user-friendly. You can put one on and go through your various stimulation rituals before going for the goal. You also do not have to rush to remove it and break the intimacy circle. Women’s condoms have no interest in going where they are not wanted. They stay where you tell them to stay.
The problem with some men and women is that they balk at the size of the female condom. Yes it looks big but it is made to fit snugly inside the woman and it is way more sensitive than those male rubbers.
Women who have given birth a zillion times tell you the female condom is too big. Too big? What about all those heads that slid from down there? Even men behave as if they are completely ignorant — maybe they are — but seriously if a child or children passed through your favourite playground and you still find it attractive and accommodating why does a mere condom make it look big and off-putting?
If you are going hunting use the right tools unless you want to be devoured by lions. Female condoms are there for women to take responsibility for their own reproductive health. If you sneak around and the man you are sneaking around with chooses to protect himself and the protection decides to have its own day trip, then do not blame the man. Better still, do not cheat.
By Grace Mutandwa