Inside Track:Give children room to express themselves

Obituaries
By Grace MUtandwa We rarely give a thought to just how much patience we have and our capacity to love unconditionally until we have given birth and raised children.

Children are an amazing gift but they are also the scariest things we will ever confront. We can live through rape, muggings, deaths and civil war but the biggest battle ever is being able to communicate with one’s offspring. Talking to our children is the hardest road we will ever travel.

We marvel at our babies, teach them to sit, crawl, walk and talk. We never seem to realise that by so doing we are giving them the power to walk away from us or to ask us difficult and sometimes painful questions. The joy we express when we hear our children’s first words is sometimes matched or overwhelmed by the despair we feel when our children ask us the hard questions.

In the past children were there to be seen and not heard. They spoke only when spoken to and even then, they were expected to be respectful. Children knew their place.

They want you to ask them how they really feel about the decisions you make and how they feel when they lose someone close to them. We have emotionally available children who expect us to be both physically and emotionally available to them. That is not wrong. It creates a strong bond between parents and children. It makes it easier for our children to love and respect us. It shows our children our human side.

As a parent you are not always going to make the right decisions or ones (decisions) that your children will agree with, but it makes you a better parent if you understand that they have feelings too. When you have raised young adults they want to be involved in decision-making. Even if you do not want to accept their views be the benevolent dictator and at least hear what they have to say and learn to turn them down without driving a burning spear into their hearts.

Parents who shut their children out drive them into the arms of people who might not always have their best interests at heart. Your children will look for ears and comforting voices and arms elsewhere unless you start talking to them as adults and listening to them too.

You will never understand why your children think you are cold or only care about your friends and colleagues unless you listen to them. If you have raised respectful children they will ask you hard questions but they will do it in a respectful manner. We are told that age comes with wisdom but sometimes age comes on its own and being the adult does not always mean you know what is best.

We have embraced a new way of life and are raising our children differently; we need to understand the importance of making the time to listen to our children.                                                                                   

Raising children is the toughest job on earth. No one gives you pointers but if you love your children and want to leave a united family when you die, you learn to listen even to your most difficult child. Some children are easy but others demand their pound of flesh – they want you to show leadership and good judgement in your decisions.

Each child must know without doubt that they occupy a special place in the hearts of their parents. Children must never feel that one or both parents discuss them in bad light with the other children. Sharing secrets with one or some of the children will only drive a wedge between your children.

I share different interests with each of my three children, but I also share a lot of gender-specific interests with my daughter, which creates a different bond but does not in any way make the boys feel left out. From the time my children could understand I told them that I could leave them material things which they could lose but the greatest gift I continue to work hard to leave them is love and respect for each other.

Everyday I want to find ways of being a better parent. I have friends who want to be better parents too and they work hard at it. No parent is perfect and no child is either.We all have to deal with toxic family politics at one time or another and if we develop strong bonds with our children, we will always have a sanctuary. Our children are the family that can love us unconditionally. Our children are the only people who share our trials and tribulations. If we fail to nurture healthy relationships with our children we destroy ourselves.

Our children have the capacity to hurt us but they also have a huge capacity to love and make us better people.

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