Would you go ahead and marry someone when deep down you know that you no longer feel the same about him or her?
Inside Track with Grace Mutandwa
Would you continue to make expensive purchases and confirm orders for ridiculously large wedding cake and drinks?
You would think that would be an easy decision to make but it is clearly not. A young woman has been rushed off her feet preparing for what she hoped would be the most memorable day of her life. Mid-way through it all she has just realised that she does not really love the guy she is about to wed.
But, she tells me that she feels she cannot back out. Her parents charged, received and squandered huge amounts of money from the guy as bride price. She told me she and her two sisters were flown to Dubai to buy a wedding gown and dresses for the bridesmaids. It was going to be a breathtaking affair — it still will be if she goes through with it.
This young woman is not having an affair. She just realised that she had had a lot of fun dating her husband-to-be and had fallen in love with the idea of getting married to a young wealthy dude. She felt comfortable with the guy but certainly felt nothing remotely close to an emotionally charged surge of warmth when in the company of the guy.
She told me that this was the most romantic guy she had ever dated. He took her to places she had only dreamt of. He showered her with presents and her mind became fuzzy. She described her young man as a generous lover but said every time they made love she kept on hoping something mind numbing would happen. It never did. The earth simply failed to move. She is still waiting for an orgasm that might never show up.
But I asked her why she had allowed the guy to pay the bride price when she knew he was not the right guy for her and that she does not love him. She told me that she kept on hoping that she would grow to love her man and that they could always find ways of spicing up the bedroom.
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By the time she had fully grasped that nothing was going to change — not her feelings for the guy and not their lovemaking — lobola had been paid. She confided in her sisters but they advised her to go ahead with preparations for the wedding because she was lucky to find a rich guy.
Unless she decides to leave the dude at the altar, this young woman will on Christmas Day exchange wedding vows with a man she does not love. Sadly, she will not be the only woman tied down to a man she feels nothing for.
Happiness stems from within an individual
I keep on meeting women who are locked in unhappy marriages. They married the guys for what they hoped the guys would provide. Financially, some of the women are comfortable but emotionally they are stranded and yearn for unavailable love. I advised the young woman to do the honourable thing and be honest with her guy. But she argued that her parents would never forgive her and that she might never find another wealthy man to marry. She said all the arrangements for the wedding have been made and her friends would laugh at her if she broke up with “such a fine man” just because she did not love him. The principle of doing the right thing was lost on her. She was too concerned about appearances. She is still trying to convince herself that she will eventually fall in love with her man. The reality is that she will get married for all the wrong reasons, have children, be miserable and might even join the long line of married women having extra-marital affairs. The best Christmas gift she could give herself and the man she is leading on, is telling the guy how she feels. If he still wants to wed her, knowing she does not love him, then so be it and whatever happens in the future is on him. I know how it feels to be young and think you are in control. I also know how it feels to deal with peer pressure. I do know how people make you feel like such a failure if you are 25 and still single. But a valuable lesson I have learnt about life is that when the love is not there, it is simply not there. I have learnt that happiness stems from within yourself and that you have to love yourself enough not to settle. I have learnt that some decisions have far-reaching consequences. I hold on to the belief that marriage is for life and that if you are not sure you have the stamina for it, then it is wise to stay as far away from it as possible. Now these are simply my beliefs and I do not ask you to buy into them. It is better to be happy on your own than to be miserable with someone. Everyone deserves to be in love and to be happy and that can only happen if you let it. Do not sell yourself short; it is not worth the grief.
l Grace Mutandwa is a Media Consultant, and Published Author. She can be reached at: [email protected] Twitter:GraceMutandwa1/Skype:Wisteria42
