My People, Greetings from Singapore. Following the rather unexpected coup which the junta is refusing to acknowledge as such, I went into a depression and have hence decided to come to Singapore for a bit of shopping.
By DOCTOR STOP IT
I am feeling much better, especially after meeting former president Rupiah Banda of Zambia whom I met at the Robert Mugabe International Airport and updated him on the level of abuse that we have been subjected to as your Founding First Family (FFF).
FFF sounds like a very nice title, although it could be easy to confuse it with some rag tag rebel movement somewhere in east or central Africa.
Unbeknown to many people, including the junta which has virtually kept us under house arrest, I called Gushungo who was at home and he spoke to Banda on my mobile phone about the abuse and humiliation we have suffered as a family.
Of course, clueless Ngwena was surprised during his subsequent visit to Zambia to hear issues of harassment being raised and was told in no uncertain terms that African revolutionaries and their families should not be harassed.
Needless to say that going forward, that unnecessary issue of a fake PhD which I ordered over the phone from a local university will no longer be an issue and is now being managed by the relevant authorities.
You should have seen the usually excitable anti-corruption people quickly changing their story saying that they were not investigating the fake academic qualifications.
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Simply put, there are just two things that you need to live with.
The first one is that I will continue to be called Doctor Amai and secondly, I will continue to be writing to you every Sunday.
I am told most of you can’t stand Auxiria as your first lady. I think that colourful former beauty queen who is married to one of the vice presidents would make a better first lady in future.
With correct grooming, she could become almost as classy as me. I must say matching my standards would be quite some achievement. Being garrulous would be one of the qualities, including a sufficiently foul and filthy mouth able to emit such words to elderly people: “Munopenga! munopenga!” ZEC, what is happening?
Allegations and “evidence” of people being asked for serial numbers of their registration slips continue to increase.
In Nkayi, the opposition says soldiers have been deployed while in Zhombe councillors are rounding up villagers for their meetings after telling them that the military has convened the meetings.
It has since become the norm that if you want any service related to the government and the party, you will need to produce your registration slip so that your serial numbers are taken down.
Meanwhile, Lizard Ngwena has been telling the world that elections will be free, fair, credible.
But given the escalation of cases of people having their voting details taken down, it was very comforting to see our ZEC, I want to believe it was them, taking a very firm decision and putting its foot down.
After years of being accused of being stuffed with soldiers and intelligence operatives, ZEC issued a statement urging all citizens to “report such cases, if they take place.”
I did not feel as if the comrades were convinced such things were taking place.
Several sceptics had a few questions on where to “report such cases”.
With important things such as elections, surely information is very important and needs to be correctly and widely distributed, not wildly.
This will help debunk existing theories that inertia could be attributed to the fact that they know that collecting serial numbers is a strategy of one of the favoured protagonists in the election.
By not indicating that victims should report such issues to the police, the issue has been left hanging to different misinterpretations.
Can victims report to the nearest base commander, or to the youth chairperson, maybe report to the local headman or chief or maybe try the local youth officer or the local leader of war veterans?
Being a chief
Being a soldier, war veteran or a chief has never been as popular as now.
Even at the last Zanu PF congress, war veterans leader, Chris Mutsvangwa revealed that war veterans, the military and chiefs would campaign for the ruling party as a triumvirate.
As clearly coercive arms, it is very clear why they were chosen as allies in the coming elections.
So important are the three arms that soldiers are now in the presidium and the Cabinet, war veterans are now senior in the party and government while chiefs are getting free cars.
Fashion disaster in Davos
Poor Lizard discovered this week that it’s not easy replacing Mugaaarbi at international meetings!
The guy was just at sea as nobody had told him that among world statesmen you sit with your legs together and not like some flustered son-in-law who has been asked to pay a huge lobola bill.
The patriotic scarves are fine but the colours did not have to be too loud lest you end up looking like a band leader at a reggae sun splash.
The thick jersey under the jacket was just untidy and what was worse, lizard was all buttoned up.
Maybe we need to give these guerillas a few months to understand a few basics on what not to wear or do at international meetings.
Munhuwese kunaGire!
Munopenga!
Dr Amai Stopit! Fake PhD
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