Conversations with Brendah
Dear Brendah,
I recently met a guy in Harare and we started casually dating. My issue is that he is studying abroad and is asking me to have a long-distance thing while he is at school. I really like the guy, but zvinhu izvi zvinoshanda here? I am worried that not being together in the same space puts unnecessary pressure on a relationship and I have heard horror stories about vanhu finding out their so-called boyfriends have entire families kudiaspora ikoko…
What should I do?
It’s hilarious that you say you hear horror stories of people having whole other families in the diaspora, Shamwari pane ma horror stories of anaJahman vanogara muBluff Hill asi vane imwe imba nemhuri kuMabelreign. Distance is no judge of character ufunge.
Now, it is true that long-distance relationships are not easy. The times apart are tough and the moments you spend together are not a real indication of reality. You are just so happy to see each other and keenly aware of the limited time you have, that it’s easy to mask or brush aside any issues that may arise and need to be discussed.
Long-distance relationships also require a certain level of maturity and trust that most people battle to display. They need both parties to be sure in and of themselves and not prone to bouts of mistrust and jealousy. Saka kana uchiziva hako nakudhara kuti uri munhu ane jerasi and anoda kubata mumwe wake chikirimbani, gara wasiyana nazvo hako.
But if you are both mature enough to know that it will take conscious effort to stay connected to and with each other and that while you are in a relationship, it’s fine to have your own lives that are separate from each other, but also respectful of the union you have, your relationship can last and thrive. So, before committing, take time out to find out more about yourselves and each other in terms of expectations and characteristics. Things like, “are you okay with your partner going out with friends?”, and “are you the type to check in daily or do you not think it’s necessary?” etc are important to know.
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This exercise will save both of you a lot of heartache.
Challenge of the week: Check your conversations nablaz, if they are full of “urikupi” or “unani?” then pamwe this might not be for you…
Song of the week: Ruva Rese – Ex-Q
Drink of the week: AnaRed Bull, Monster what what. You will need energy for all the late-night calls you will be making due to the time difference.
Dear Brendah,
I am a 38-year-old lady (I look 30) and find myself in a “situation-ship” or an “entanglement” with three very gentle, caring and very generous gentlemen. Two are married and one is very young (22). Last week I found out that I am pregnant. I am a working professional and capable of looking after my child. Do I have to tell them?
Ah. Nhai Mwari.
Ini manje I am going to need a drink for this one. Because chere iniwo ndinombopererwawo sometimes nezvamunobvunza.
First off you didn’t “find” yourself in anything. You made the decision to be caught up in this entanglement. Take responsibility for your actions and choices.
Now apa I am going to focus on nyaya yemwana kwete nyaya ye chihure chaurikuita chekurara ne varume three and without protection. You don’t need me to tell you kuti zvaurikuita ndezve kum*m*.
Now I am happy to hear that you are financially stable and capable of looking after your child, that is very important. But at the end of the day, you didn’t make this child wega. This child has and needs a father. It might not seem like a big deal right now, but as the child gets older they will ask questions and you need to be able to answer them.
They will want to know who their father is and potentially have a relationship with him and you need to be able to point them in the right direction. So yes, you need to tell them. They have a right to know so paternity tests can be done.
But let me lecture you for a minute. You are 38, and might very well look 30, but you are acting like a child. This reckless behaviour you are displaying so nonchalantly has to come to an end. Sleeping with three men is bad enough, sleeping with three men without protection is a death sentence. The third level of this madness is none of them can even realistically be the father your child deserves! Two are married and one is literally still a child themselves.
You are a mom now. Soon you will have someone you are responsible for. Someone who will look up to you for guidance and values. It is time to get your sh*t together!. Focus on being a mom now and siyana nezvimwe zvese izvi.
Challenge of the week: Set time up with these three men (separately veduwe, hatidi kuzo kuverengai mumpepa) and have the conversation.
Song of the week: One One – Kikky Badass.
Drink of the week: Green tea… semunhu ane nhumbu ndo kwawakutambira uku!
Vanhu vaMwari toonana next week. Don’t forget to send your issues to [email protected]
- Follow Brendah on: Instagram: @blackladysyrah or Twitter: @BlackLadySyrah
