From Bond to Bourne, we love spy movies. Literature is littered, after all, with spy stories from authors such as John Buchan, John le Carré, Ian Fleming and Len Deighton. We have The Scarlet Pimpernel and The Spy who Came in from the Cold, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, Three Days of the Condor, The Day of the Jackal — the list is endless. A wonderful though bizarre example of this was the 2005 film entitled Mr and Mrs Jones starring Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie as a bored upper middle class married couple, but who, it transpires, are spies and belonging to competing agencies, culminating in them endeavouring to kill each other. They led lives that their partner did not know anything about.
Perhaps we love such stories because there are mysteries and missions, secrets and suspense, bluff and double bluff, life and death. Perhaps we ourselves fancy being in that scenario, outwitting the enemy, acting out one life while also living a secret alternative. Would we ever want to be a spy? Could we ever be a spy? A double agent? The reality is that people are not always what we think they are. What we see is not always what is the underlying truth. The exterior hides many secrets. And of course, it is not just in spy stories that this occurs but we find people claiming disabilities while being fully functional. We might throw in here that some would no doubt like to define it as “Fake news”. Double agents! And then there are parents!
Here is a scene that would not be in a spy movie necessarily but it is a scene that is seen far more regularly than we may think. Parents are summoned to the Head’s office to discuss a recently revealed indiscretion by their child but come out with the immediate response that “My child would never do that”. This is despite the fact that their child has just done it. This is despite the fact that numerous witnesses and CCTV footage reinforces the fact. No, no, “my child would never do that!”
The Head’s first thought might be to ask them who says the child would never do that – can anyone else, not so prejudiced, say that? The Head might well then ask: how do the parents know? Have they been following their child everywhere? Have they forgotten what they were like when they were children, doing things that their parents never knew? If they would only Bond with their child when she is Bourne, they would not make such a claim.
Why is it that parents are so defensive, so adamant that their child would never do anything wrong? Are they blind? Are they just plain naïve? Are they lying? Are they not purely prejudiced? Are they desperate and cannot face the reality? Are they embarrassed and want to deflect the truth? Are they hopeful that their child did not do that, hoping that by saying it, the child did not do it? Why?
The fact is that with any child there is the possibility, even the faintest chance, that the child will step out of line. As the child grows older, the parents have less and less time with their child and the parents do not know what influences their child is facing away from their sphere of influence. There is within all of us the potential to step out of line – after all, who of us have never failed or stepped out of line? We may not have got caught but that is our good fortune. We need not be angry or embarrassed or indeed surprised. It can happen. It may happen. It did happen.
The parents will do well, first, to establish how and why the child was involved in this activity. Perhaps the child was experimenting or was dared? Perhaps it was done as a joke or as a mistake? Perhaps, it was a cry for attention, an act of defiance against the parents. And of course, let us not forget, when the child does something good (that also surprised us) we as parents will be very quick to acknowledge that this was indeed “my child”, claiming “we always knew she could do this”! Who is the double agent now, denying the ability to step out of line but claiming the ability to do well?
Perhaps we may find that the afore-mentioned child may mutter beneath his breath (after hearing the parent say that he would not do that), “My parent would never do that”! Perhaps the child hopes the parent would say that! However, parents need to understand that the school is not a spy and that the child is capable of more than we think, for good and bad. This is not fake news. We need to develop an environment where the parent can be transparent. We need to face the truth.