Some of my best male friends have already started going through a mid-life crisis and some of them (the crises) are named Kathy, Martha, Maria, Beauty or Chipo.
Madonna and Jennifer Lopez have snagged “men” young enough to be their children while some of my male friends must have been going through mid-life crisis for some time now because they are into their third or fourth wives – not just any wives but beautiful and young things too.
One male friend told me that he traded in his first wife for a younger model around the same time he was beginning to feel old. At the time they were also fighting about a lot of things and he just felt he needed to find a woman who would understand what he was going through.
Wife number two was understanding and sweet for exactly two years before she got tired of being with an immature old man. He is into wife number three but still has exactly the same issues he had with the first two wives. At least now he is trying hard to make things work and seems to have accepted that eventually we will all grow old and stop attracting jailbait.
Watching my friends go through all sorts of weirdness scares me a bit because I am now preoccupied with how my mid-life crisis will manifest itself. I do not see myself running off with a 24-year-old young man. I have always been attracted to older men – if anything my fear is that I will run away with a fun-loving 80-year-old who will probably suffer a massive heart attack within an hour of us getting together.
I am beginning to worry that my mid-life crisis might only show up when I am in my 70s but from where I stand, that is not a very good prospect. By that time I am sure I will be a grandmother, with a son-in-law and daughters-in-law and I can assure you, there is nothing as embarrassing as having a “childish” parent.
A friend of mine says that I will probably kill my children with shame when I start running around with 20-year-olds.
One of my scariest visions is of me sitting at a very long table with my toy boy waiting for my children and grandchildren to show up for Christmas lunch. If they have any sense of decency they will not dare make an appearance.
Madonna, Jennifer snagged young ‘men’
You see this is the thing about growing old. We do not all do it gracefully. Our fear of dying makes us even more scared of old age. You know that the older you get, the closer you are to meeting your maker. If there was an elixir to keep us all young we would be swigging it right now.
I know I might be worrying about nothing. I might be one of those people who have the decency to grow old without too much of a fuss. My male friends have suggested that I do all the mad things they are doing so that I get it all out of my system in time to settle back down to a normal life.
The problem is what they are doing involves chucking out partners and getting new ones, drinking heavily every Friday and Saturday, sleeping out at least three days a week. I have absolutely no intention of doing any of that.
If I drink any more than I do now I would die of alcohol poisoning and starting a new relationship now is just too much work and I just do not have the energy. But there are also very few older men I like enough to want to spend more than a day with. I find young men boring and loud.
I cannot sleep out – I love my own bed too much. If I were to sleep at a strange man’s place, I would need to know that they have clean and well-ironed bed linen. Some people do not clean their toilets and bath tubs properly so I could never have fun sleeping out. No!
Lopez (42), with toyboy, Casper Smart (24)
I think my mid-life crisis will involve a lot of reading, listening to music and watching films. Anything beyond that is way too taxing for me and I simply do not have the stamina.
I am way too sane and controlled for a real earth shattering mid-life crisis. My children are young adults now and they are under the misguided notion that if they tell me to behave properly I will actually oblige, so I really do not want to disappoint them.
My children’s reaction scares me more than anything, so I am going to be a very good mother, grow old quietly and not draw unnecessary attention to myself.
Madonna and Jennifer Lopez have too much money and can buy new “clean” personalities. They both can afford to lose their heads. The “laws” of patriarchy protect my male friends (who are dating older women) and even more importantly, they are not scared of their children.