Grace Mutandwa
A Christian brother tells me that his church is brimming with divorced or widowed men in the forty-plus age group and they are struggling to get women of similar ages to marry. Women in that age group who are single are either divorced or widowed, which in itself is not a major problem, but it turns out some of the divorcees are no longer interested in marriage. The brother tells me that his fellow men could have any young single women but they are not sure whether the young women would make good stepmothers for their children. Apparently these so-called eligible bachelors claim that most of the single mature women they meet, “have failed to reform”. Now, I have a problem with that assertion. These men assume that just because a woman is divorced, there must have been something wrong with her. It is a flawed take on life, which heaps all the marital faults on the woman. A marriage is a two-member partnership and much as we might not like it, sometimes it does take both parties for the relationship to fail. Men might not like to hear this but sometimes the woman is a victim of circumstances. A woman who puts her foot down and refuses to be used for target practice and divorces the man is, in my view, to be applauded. Men who can only communicate with their fists need help and they deserve to be left by their long-suffering wives. Sometimes the reality is that, people just grow tired of each other or one party does and they find it hard to continue living a lie. Men, who claim that divorced women are failing to reform, are assuming that it is the sole responsibility of women to make a marriage work. What I know is that some men feel threatened by women who have an opinion. Sometimes a woman, who has spent a long time under a marital regime that is intolerant and is the equivalent of slavery, eventually finds her voice once she escapes the clutches of her husband. And when that happens (finding her voice) some men that she is likely to meet in her new life might not like it. They will automatically assume that, her knowing what she wants and speaking out, are the reasons why her marriage failed. Only insecure men want “dead” women. Only men, who believe marriage is about rules and not a partnership, want women who have lost or shelved their power of self-expression. Christian men or any men for that matter must learn to value women who have a mind of their own. They say marriage is a compromise but why does it seem like all the compromises only traverse a one-way street? Why are women expected to give of their emotions and love, more than the men? In what world does the assumption that divorced women are failing to reform sound right or even sensible? These men are going shopping with pre-conceived ideas of the make-up of widowed or divorced women. They have profiles of what they want in a woman and ‘DOORMATES’ feature heavily. Okay boys, what about a bit of self-introspection? Look in the mirror. What caused the failure of your own marriages? Please do not tell me your wives were responsible for everything that went wrong? Be man enough and take responsibility too. You failed once and so if you are going to try again, show that you have reformed! One failed marriage should not even happen, but if it does, then when you go out there to find someone for a second chance, please first work on your attitude, manners, communications skills and ensure your emotional status is in the right place. Women I have spoken to complain that the men they meet want to bring problems from their previous relationships into a new one. They complain that it is difficult to find men who are truly involved, men who are emotionally accessible and men who are willing to make a second attempt at marriage work. People who have had failed marriages are not always the easiest of people to be in a relationship with. They have terrible trust issues and develop an unimaginable aversion to spontaneous emotional expression and open communication. More importantly, Christian men who want submissive women to marry must hunt in their own churches; maybe they will strike gold. If you go on the open market to hunt for a woman then you will meet a mixed grill. Do not go out to impose your belief system and values on other people. There are many Christian dating websites that these brothers might want to try. Churches could also help those searching for second chances by coming up with inter-denominational social gatherings where these people might meet.
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