Grace Mutandwa
I have been asked if it is possible for a woman to get what she might call her ideal man. While I admit that there is a possibility of getting something close to an ideal man, I also believe that such men exist mostly in women’s hearts and minds.
Such men inhabit our imagination and are rarely found walking on the streets of the world.
There is also a rare chance of meeting a couple that is a perfect fit — this is almost as good as a perfect couple. You can however create your own perfect fit. In my head a perfect fit for any woman would be a man who makes up for the woman’s shortcomings, a man who loves a woman in spite of herself. Any man capable of seeing the good that no other person sees in a particular woman, and dares to love her and make her laugh — that man is the other half of the perfect fit. In other words such a man would be an ideal man for any woman who is not emotionally blind.
The reason why women fail to find ideal men is because they are not clear about their own definition of an ideal man. Some women try to pack too much into what their friends and family regard as an ideal man. When a woman does that then she is setting herself up for a major downfall. You can live with what you need in a man but it is hard to live with what other people want in your man.
When society dictates what should constitute an ideal man then it becomes impossible to find one. A man moulded in an abstract environment is something that should be put in a museum and not fed into women’s minds. Peer pressure drives women to construct these abstract monuments we call ideal men.
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The search for an ideal man drives women to look for 100% in all the potential ideal men around them. The women themselves are 60% or 80% perfect, but they expect more than they can bring to the table. The reality is that most perfect fits are both either 20% or 40% less than the 100%. They make a perfect fit because they smoothen each other’s rough edges.
What I am getting at is the simple fact that you can get an ideal man if you rely on what your own judgement tells you. You have to know your own understanding of what an ideal man should look like.
I have Christian girlfriends who tell me they are praying for a marriage. They desperately want to get married. It is all very well, but before you pray for a marriage, shouldn’t you be praying for a man to marry you?
Specifics are important even to God. You ask for a marriage he will give you one and then what? You find you are married but wish you had married Agnes’s husband because he possesses most of the specs you want.
If you are going to ask God for a man do not confuse him with a multiple choice of wants and needs. Ask him for the type of man you need. If you ask for what you need in a man the chances are you will design an ideal and normal man, but if you insist on what you think you want, then your list might go as follows: “Dear God please bless me with a black/white/light skinned 35-year-old man with a six-pack, who is six-foot tall and has Denzel Washington’s voice, has hazel/blue/green eyes, has dark chocolate skin, has broad shoulders. Does not smoke or drink, and listens to everything I say and agrees with it.
Does all the housework, stays at home during the weekends, gives me a platinum card for endless shopping and takes me to exotic places for holidays. Wants one child and worships the ground I walk on. Oh, by the way try and make sure that he looks as handsome as Idris Alba/Chris Brown/Patrick Dempsey or any of those other men you know I am always dreaming about.”
We all want things we cannot have and men with some of the attributes above are certainly some of those things.
The man you need is a man who loves you even when other people think you are unlovable; a man who makes you his friend and makes you feel better about who you are, a man who makes you laugh when you think all about you is about to crumble. A man who encourages you to pursue your goals and a man who holds your hand when you stumble. But, of course he must also be able to provide for you and your unborn children. Women might talk about equality, but believe me, they still want to be taken care of.
For feedback email [email protected]/GraceMutandwa1@twitter.
