Once again, we have entered that period when women’s rights groups throughout the world commemorate 16 Days of Activism Against Gender Violence, starting from November 25. Inside Track with Grace Mutandwa
This year’s global campaign theme is: Peace in the Home to Peace in the World: Let’s Challenge Militarism and End Violence Against Women.
In the spirit of helping eradicate domestic violence, I will this week grant a request by some male readers who personally have had to deal with domestic violence or have male friends or relatives who have been victims of domestic violence.
I know the statistics of battered women outnumber those of men in violent relationships, but any form of domestic violence should never be tolerated. Men and women who can only effectively communicate with their fists should get therapy.
It is a pity we have no anger management clinics in Zimbabwe. Such clinics form a strong backbone for the rehabilitation of those who have uncontrollable anger— and most violent people are in that category.
We do not hear often about men being beaten up by their wives or being at the receiving end of emotional blackmail because men usually feel too ashamed to admit that they are victims.
Our patriarchal society is uncomfortable with men who are open about their feelings or unstable relationship circumstances. Men who are in violent relationships are usually ridiculed not just by other men, but by women as well.
Many brothers have written to me applauding the fact that the world is determined to see the eradication of violence against women. But they feel that unless similar demands are made to help men who suffer quietly, domestic violence will continue to haunt some families.
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One male reader says that he is now divorced but has never been able to tell friends and relatives the reason why he left his wife. His wife would accuse him of extra-marital affairs, insult him and slap him around.
He said the first two years of their union was gentle and he believed they were onto a good thing.
In the third year he got promotion at work and started travelling a bit for conferences and business meetings.
The wife expected him to check in with him even when he was in the middle of a meeting. He tried to explain that at times it was not always easy to call or send a text message. Apart from harassing the husband, the wife then started abusing his personal assistant.
In their last year together, he said it got so bad that one day she walked into his office and slapped him and smashed his spectacles in front of a group of shocked colleagues.
He sought help from the pastor in their church but things just got worse. He said in the end he moved out, filed for divorce and even when divorce was granted the woman still terrorised him and he had to get a peace order against her.
Nobody should endure abuse
Another brother wrote to say his cousin is constantly humiliated in front of family and friends by his wife.
The wife pokes him in the face and tells him that his is not a real man. He says the cousin is so scared of his wife he will not even contemplate leaving her.
He added that they tried to talk to the woman but stopped when they discovered that every time they reasoned with her, she would deny the man food or throw a bucket of cold water on him just as he was about to leave for work!
Some of the brothers told me about enduring the shame of wives who use obscene language to insult them even when they know neighbours are listening.
The fact that we have a world where both men and women feel it is acceptable to inflict physical or emotional violence on their spouses speaks volumes of how far we have sunk.
It is bad enough having people who feel entitled to mete out violent punishment, but it is equally disturbing that when the media writes about domestic violence, an environment is created for people to take sides when the most important guiding principle should be to condemn violence irrespective of how we feel about the victim.
Even if you have irrefutable proof that a man or woman has cheated on you, this does not give you the right to beat them up. A mature and decent person walks away when threatened with a potentially explosive situation. Beating up your spouse for cheating will not change anything.
It might give you short-lived satisfaction but it will do your reputation no good.
Not everyone is blessed with communication skills, which is why if things go pear-shaped, we should be mature enough to get those we respect to come in and help.
