HomeOpinion & AnalysisMphoko will cost us votes, get him a house

Mphoko will cost us votes, get him a house

Dear my people,

I am writing this address as we prepare to return home from New York. We are in a celebratory mood because Baba read the correct speech at the UN General Assembly! In addition, I supervised the security details to ensure that there were no folds or wrinkles on the carpet which would have tripped the Supreme Leader.

BY DOCTOR STOP IT

The rest, as they say, is history as Mudhara delivered a powerful speech which will make the world better and safer. He spoke of human rights, but not for those who are worse than dogs and pigs.

I have also been keeping an eye on political developments and I notice that the two Assistants, Phekezela Mphoko, who some of you wrongly call Mboko, and ED have been travelling all over the show.

I am not sure if Mphoko or Mboko was travelling to conduct government business, or he was busy abusing State resources to officiate at his supermarkets.  Remember the guy’s first public assignment as Baba’s assistant was to officially open his family supermarket!

Still on Mphoko, not Mboko, that assistant needs to up his game. I have received reports that  since Gushaz appointed him, he is still staying in a five-star hotel with his family! Those are the kind of things that get voters really angry Cde assistant.  I am ordering you to Stop It and find accommodation by October, even if it means moving to Mufakose or Kambuzuma which produced luminaries like some of us. I am sure you know the consequences of not listening to me. Ask Joice and Ray Kaukonde. Stop It Mphoko!

The task of finding Baba’s replacement will certainly prove to be difficult with people like Phelekezela around. At this rate, that party whose name I cannot remember which is led by Mbiti may end up looking like a better option for voters.

But I digress. So after the spectacular own goal by Emmerson on the late VP Nkomo during an interview, it looks like the planned visit to Bulawayo was cancelled out of fear.

I will recommend to Baba that we hire public relations consultants for the two bungling assistants.

Emmerson was, however, brave to go to Matabeleland South and address a meeting where he ordered the Joint Operations Command to address the plight of Cde Rose Mpofu from Matobo, who is being harassed by some unrepentant Rhodies.
Turning to Cde Mpofu, ED  said: “Cde Mpofu, hlala, uhlale, uhlale.”

Reminds me of his statement: “Tichingotonga, tichingotonga, ti-chingotonga.”

Such statements don’t sound as Presidential as my now world famous: “Stop It”!

Well-done Saviour!

Generally, I am not an easy person to please.

But just before we depart for the airport, I need to congratulate the political commissar for a job well done. Cde Tyson has been doing a lot of work in my absence. First he represented me when he received some Chinese guests at the orphanage in Mazowe.

Next he was in Mashonaland East officiating at an event for Ambrose, then he was off to Bulawayo where ED was afraid to set foot.

From Bulawayo, he went to Gwanda where Ngwena had just been. Well-done Cde PC. I need not remind you that yours is a very sensitive and dangerous job. It is such a busy and involving job, which is why I think the late former PCs, Cdes  Moven Mahachi, Border Gezi and  Elliot Manyika met their deaths while travelling.

Stop abusing my name!

Last week I touched a bit on people who are abusing my name to fight their succession wars with Emmerson.

While I may not be part of the plot, I am aware that they have been holed up in a hotel for some time claiming they have my backing.  One failed parliament aspirant spent 10 days in the hotel before going to the United States for murky deals disguised as “government business”.

Poor chap, reports reaching me are that the failed aspirant with a Zairian or Congolese name had his laptop taken without his knowledge by the boys and girls in dark glasses at the airport during check-in formalities.

In the laptop were very interesting pictures and documents. The kind of pictures his mother would disapprove of.
You may all be curious about how I get to know some of these things. Some of the boys and girls that you think are innocent waiters and waitresses actually work for Baba and their job is to listen to all your conversations, sober or drunk.

Some of the people working at hotel receptions where you do your checking in are our boys, so no silly prattle about how I get to know some of these things that you get down to.

The plotters include a mixture of politicians from Gamatox, the younger generation and journalists.

I just wanted to let all of you know that nobody can use me to fight their personal wars with ED  for their own benefit.  That is my position on the matter. If I have a formal position to announce, I will summon all of you in batches to  Mazowe for a royal announcement. Stop It!

Your Mother,
Dr Amai (PHD UZ)

For feedback please email: doctorstopit@gmail.com

Recent Posts

Stories you will enjoy

Recommended reading