Dear my people,
I am sure you have noticed that I have not been in the country for some time. If you had not noticed, then all I can say is what I said in Rushinga.
Letters to My People by Doctor Stop It
Go back to school!
I also went back to school and despite getting horribly poor marks which were splashed all over newspapers, I soldiered on.
I think that English university deliberately failed me because of my connections to Mudhara Gushaz, The Supreme Leader.
Then I studied something that none of you or the English understand.
I studied for a degree in Chinese.
I know some of you whisper behind my back that I cannot speak the language, but how can you prove anything since you can’t speak it?
I know it’s possible that some friends of Joice have been sponsoring rumours to the effect that the Chinese degree may have been purchased since I have not been seen conversing in Chinese.
Kwaaaaaaaaa! Ah Yas! [Laughing]
Still on going back to school, I went back to school and you should have seen the look on Teurairopa’s face when she learnt that she was not going to be the only doctor in town.
Of course, there is no way you would have known that I was studying to be a Doctor Amai.
That would have reduced me to a commoner. A lot of what I do has security repercussions and I hope that explains the purported secrecy around how I became Doctor Amai.
Even my results for assignments were top secret national treasures.
So that’s how I became your Doctor Amai! Kkkkkkk! [Laughing]
But I digress.
Actually, when I came back from China, I had to dash back to the Middle East for personal family matters.
Again, we cannot reveal what those family matters were. As I said earlier, that would be making me a commoner, like most of you.
Back on the campaign trail
Unless things get out of hand, as they did in Masvingo, the Men’s Wing of the Women’s League and I should hit the campaign trail on Thursday with a rally in Harare.
And as you will expect, the majority of dignitaries will be “male-females”.
Harare should be no problem, those people do not need tractors so I’m wondering what to give them. Cooking oil, suits for youth chairpersons? Second-hand clothes and shoes?
Please, no complaints if you receive two right side shoes of different sizes.
These are difficult times.
After Harare, we should be hitting Midlands and although I wanted the rally in Gokwe, I hear Mberengwa is also interested in hosting.
Manje on that day I will be on fire. Lizard ndakamumaka [I have scores to settle with the lizard] big time. As I once said, as an assistant, if Mdhara makes you acting President, that does not mean you have been anointed.
Ask Joice and Ray. Ray and his smile that did not get him anywhere.
But we just need to be clear who is more senior. The Doctor Amai or the Lizard.
I thought Mboko made it clear in Rushinga that by virtue of being Your Amai, I am equal to Gushaz.
That means Amai Lizard and Amai Mboko are equal to their husbands, meaning Cabinet ministers and Politburo members are subordinates of Amai Lizard and Amai Mboko.
Kkkkkkkkkk! [fits of laughter]
Together with my male females, we will descend on Mashonaland East so that we are clear on who is who.
That Joice is a daughter-in-law of that province, so I think she continues to influence them.
I have not forgotten that Mashonaland East was the only province before congress last year which came up with unrevolutionary statements like: “Vote of MORE confidence on Kaukonde.”
I am still in charge
I am aware that there have been rumours claiming I did not attend the Masvingo rally because I was warned that people hired by Lizard would heckle me.
Although that’s partly true — in the sense that people wanted to heckle me — I had left the country by the time things happened in Masvingo.
It’s not just in Masvingo where funny plots are being hatched.
In Mashonaland West, where I am a daughter-in-law, people are saying: Munhu wese kuna Ngwena! And distributing bracelets with the Lizard’s face.
The chairman for Midlands is saying people must not attend my star rally, Manicaland is refusing to listen to my words of wisdom.
I was briefed they are coming up with dangerous conference resolutions.
The resolutions include confirmation of the Presidium of Gushaz and his two assistants, Mboko and Lizard. No problem there.
The dangerous one is that Gushaz should say when he will say farewell. But why should he say farewell to people? Are the people going somewhere?
Also, I hear they want him to anoint his successor at the conference in Victoria Falls.
Let me tell you something my children.
Something shocking will happen in Victoria Falls. But I will not be the one shocked.
Watch this space.
Munhuwese Kuna Amai!
Your Next Leader
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