HomeEditorial CommentYou will be ruled from the grave

You will be ruled from the grave

Hello to all you hungry and poverty-stricken people.


I am glad you came in all your thousands to worship your ruling family and faction on May 25 during the million-man march.

What surprised me is that despite the messed up economy, including lack of food, money and transport, you still managed to find your way to Harare.

I cannot understand how we got the numbers that we got; unless of course if reports that there were mass abductions and kidnapping of people who were shepherded into lorries and buses are true.
There were unconfirmed reports that those who refused to attend the million-man march were disciplined through the burning of their filthy huts. Kkkkkk! Serves them right to suffer from the cold.

Did they not know that the African icon and revolutionary was going to be addressing the world? Did they not know that the world’s most favourite grandfather was going to be coming up with solutions to all the world’s problems, from human trafficking, civil wars, disease outbreaks, climate change and all the other global problems?

The icon and the majority of you may have genuinely believed all that propaganda about receiving solidarity; but it was clear as day that the mission was to consolidate the Gay 40 power base.

Despite those silly demands by war veterans that there should only be slogans praising the icon, my boys and girls ignored them and chanted “Pamberi naDr Amai woyee!”

I am sure you noticed that at the last minute, it was announced that the march was a project of the youth and women’s league! Hokoyo! Beware!

The war vets had their day with the iconic and revolutionary African hero some time ago, so on Africa Day we were not going to waste time addressing their issues on free school fees, medication, extra land and all other demands.

Please don’t make silly and unproductive references to how Chatunga may or may not have removed his cap during the singing of the National Anthem. What do you lose if he does not remove his cap, what if it’s a security issue?

Kwaaaaa! Ah you people never cease to amaze me. Or is it seize? I don’t care? Munopenga! (You are crazy).

Having been away for over a month, I had watched the efforts of the Gay 40 faction being reversed, but remember, I swore that as the commander, I would ensure we take back all territory lost to Crocodhakisi Ngwena. He will pay because it meant abandoning all the luxury in Singapore and Dubai.

It meant no more shopping. But at least the plane came with the icon to fetch his family. No way were we going to get into those commercial planes. Sorry, I digress.

Remember the war veterans had been making statements to the effect that they would not attend the million-man march but in the end they marched with everybody, well sort of.

Of course, the well-briefed Chipanga spoke very eloquently about the need to accommodate the young people who are tomorrow’s voters. The old people are — well, dying off.

And speaking of dying off, I hope my statement that the African icon and revolutionary was irreplaceable and that he should rule Zimbabwe from the Heroes Acre were loud and clear.

Of course, some of the crazy ones will laugh it off but that is what we mean when we say there are no vacancies.

So what we would have maybe would be cabinet and other important meetings taking place at the Heroes Acre for consultations. There would be no president because there is no vacancy but we would continue with our two vice-presidents and I would be the go between to interpret what the icon would have said from the grave.

Pwa-pwa-pwa-pwaaaaaaaaaa! I love how Zimbabweans accept pragmatic and practical solutions to problems.

But as always, there were detractors to our march, with others making scandalous allegations that there were only 40 000 people when it was clear that there were two million people that gathered at the Dr Amai Square. That is the name that the Gay 40 faction proposes to give that square in a few years.

Others were saying if a million Zimbabweans came to the march, then the other 13 million Zimbabweans boycotted. Munopenga! You are crazy!

Talking to your grandchild in 40 years

A joke has been circulating on social networks in which a person talks to their grandchildren.
Me: Once upon a time

Grandchildren:  (chuckling) Oh dear the lies are now coming.

Me: There was a president who lost elections, beat up his rivals, called another election and ran by himself and declared himself winner.

Grandchildren: Ahh sekuru makunyepa. (Grandpa you are now lying)  Who does that? Goodnight! Enough lies for today.

Me: Wait, he even read a wrong speech and people applauded!

Grandchildren: (In muffled voices) Grandpa’s lies are now legendary!

More rallies coming

I was telling your icon the other day that Ngwena can’t stop me from holding rallies across the country. So we have started planning for those rallies. I addressed the million-man march.

I was supposed to have other meetings in Bulawayo but I ended up assigning my subordinates, Mboko and that deputy of mine who appears not sure which name to use.

Leave Tuku alone

You people never stop surprising me. Just because we managed to abduct and divert more people than other political parties to our march, you are now attacking celebrities who were paid to be at the march. Why are you targeting Tuku who attends any event that he is invited to?

Remember he survives through that. Did he not entertain guests at Moregirls’ wedding, if you can call it a wedding? Did he not entertain guests when his homegirl, Joice prematurely celebrated when

I appointed her vice-president? And did he not entertain at my 50th birthday party?

So leave Tuku alone. Next you will attack the drivers who drove buses and lorries to the event. That is their job, to drive.

Munhuwese kuna Amai!
Umasalu wezwelonke!
G 40 Woyeee!
Ifaction yezwelonke!
Your Mother!
Dr Amai (Fake Ph.D)
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