This week I had such a hard time trying to write this presentation to you my people.
Letter to my people by Doctor Stop it.
As I was about to give up, I remembered two things. The first was that this column which is now followed by millions of my people around the world was launched this time last year.
My weekly addresses have become such an inspiration and admiration to most of you hopeless souls around the world that I would have felt very bad not communicating to you.
So, happy first anniversary to Doctor Amai!
Over the year, most of you who had no hope in life had their spirits revived by my uplifting articles.
In that year I have spoken my mind, telling all of you that munopenga! Liyahlanya!
I have also made it very clear that out of gratitude to the fact that Mudhara single-handedly fought the war of liberation, you should at least have the decency to allow me to rule you after he starts ruling from the grave as I once promised.
As for Ten Percent Joyce, Dhakisi Ngwena and the clueless and ever bungling Moregirls Tsvangson, they have now realised that indeed, the journey to State House is very long. Mboko, well, that guy is no ordinary mboko. He hangs on to my skirts because he knows that I will soon assume the reins of power and he will serve as my deputy.
Many tried over the years to move to State House but failed dismally to make it there.
In any case, anybody who wants to move in should know as the Iconic African Revolutionary famously told Moregirls during the Government of National Unity era that he could not move inside the famous address because “we keep our things there”.
Kwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! It’s up to you to decide what those things are.
But I know the mischievous ones would have already started speculating and gossiping irresponsibly.
Hehe goblins. What what onini, lokhuzeni and machakuti. Munopenga! Liyahlanya! You are crazy! If you are not careful, I will expose you and reveal to the world all the people that you have slept with and how many children you have sired out of wedlock. Watch this space.
Don’t you know that I am mahomuhomu of the monkey totem?
But sorry, I digress. the excitement of writing was getting to me. I know there are always some sniggers behind my back, people making all sorts of allegations like how a famous First Shopper from a southern African country also likes shopping for booze and that all her public rants are inspired by cheap spirits and wine.
Sort of reminds me of the time when Mudhara visited his people in Gutu where he partook of the potent traditional seven days umqombothi.
All very nice and good right? Not according to all you idle minds and bodies. Although Mudhara said very nice and constructive things, the idle minds twisted everything, including the distribution of bananas to bemused villagers to the effects of the traditional brew.
Again, I stray but one of the things that motivated me to ensure I write this week’s edition was my fear of demonstrations.
With Zimbabweans in a mood to demonstrate for just about anything, I was afraid there would be an outbreak of riots around the country with people demanding to know why their mother had not communicated to them.
That is how much Zimbabweans love me. They also love my children.
To be honest, I am finding it very difficult to concentrate on little and boring Venezuela where even the locals do their shopping in nearby countries.
But I am a patient girl. For the bright lights of New York beckon.
In New York any girl using her money or money taken from elderly gentlemen can shop until she drops dead. Well, not literally. I can’t wait to start spending your money. But it is for the good of the revolution.
Don’t listen to Chinamasa. Nobody does
What is causing the confusion over the national purse? Last time Cde Patreki made some public statements about cutting bonuses, the statement was embarrassingly reversed in public by Mudhara.
He has made some statement about austerity measures and this time the statement was reversed by a fellow Cabinet minister, Cde Chris.
My message to you is very clear, don’t listen to Patreki. Nobody does. Maybe he should quit. But he knows that in the party you don’t embarrass elders by resigning. You wait to be fired.
Munhuwese kuna Amai!
Dr Amai Marujata PhD (Fake)