What a week! There I was, minding my own business when those pesky journalists started sniffing around as they always do.
letter to my people BY DOCTOR STOP IT
What a pain in the wrong and delicate place those rascals can be.
For those not in the know, let me put you in the picture.
Some journalists, who had obviously been sent by Dhakisi Ngwena and his friends, Joice and Moregirls Tsvangson, were down to some mischief this last week, revealing adult and sensitive secrets that I had externalised close to $1,5 million.
The way you people made a lot of unnecessary noise, it was as if I had taken a lot of money out of the country.
It’s not as if you people are used to handling any large sums of money.
In all your miserable lives, I am aware that you have never handled or even seen a thousand bucks.
So I wonder why all of you are getting all worked up.
The story goes that Mudhara, Africa’s only Freedom Fighter, The Dear Brother Comrade Supreme Leader and Iconic Revolutionary, wanted to buy me a ring for some anniversary of some sort.
Of course like any girl, I was not going to accept cheap quality diamonds from Marange.
I decided to buy my diamond ring from some exotic place in Dubai while engaging exotic people like some Lebanese diamond polishers.
When the deal was sealed with the diamond safely delivered and the money safely externalised, I demanded my money back, so the story goes.
The poor diamond polisher who is based in Zimbabwe started being unreasonable and I am convinced it was that Joice who was misleading him.
When I rejected the diamond and demanded back the money, he would not cooperate, so my monya [muscular] son-in-law abandoned his duties at a certain airline and descended on the hapless foreigner and took over his businesses.
Has he never been told that I am in charge in this country and that I am Zimbabwe herself?
I was shocked when I read some unrevolutionary social media messages suggesting that the money was part of the $15 billion.
How can people be so malicious and cruel? I hope nobody will be so tactless as to start silly movements like #Bringbackourmoney or #Bringbackourring .
It’s not as if you people have special fingers like mine which are very expensive and can carry diamond studded rings worth tens of millions of dollars. Kwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Please can you adjust to your poverty levels and leave me and my son-in-law and first child alone.
We have a country to plunder.
Well done, Jammeh!
Nuff respect to recently defeated former president of The Gambia, man Yayyah Jammeh, or something like that.
As you will know, spelling is not my strength.
Back to Jammeh who I am told was formally addressed as “His Excellency, El Hadji Sheik, Doctor, Professor Jammeh”.
Having led his people for 22 years after coming to power through a coup, they had the audacity to vote him out of power.
Like you ungrateful people almost did in 2008 when Moregirls and his sanctions convinced you to vote wrongly.
Thankfully Mudhara and his boys and girls after meticulously verifying the results, ensured that there was no disaster.
Back to Gambia, Jammeh has, after mistakenly initially conceding defeat, thankfully come back to his senses and rejected the electoral outcome.
We won’t have him relinquishing power as that may mislead certain revolutionaries who will in 2018 be offering themselves as presidential candidates for a certain revolutionary party.
That was some antidote to what those sellouts in Ghana did last week when they voted out their humble leader and voted in some opposition western-funded outfit.
People are becoming less and less grateful.
The State of the Nation Address (Sona) came and went and most of you haters who were expecting the speech which had been read before to be read were very embarrassed when Mudhara read the correct speech.
Most of you haters were expecting him to whip out a speech which he last delivered at the most recent burial at the National Heroes Acre.
Of course, the speech may have been bereft of any substance, but we have to celebrate the fact that he at least turned up and read the correct speech.
MaDiamond Rings kuna Amai!