Say ‘no’ to these ‘nos’

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Children generally, but teenagers especially, tend to think that the prime responsibility of their parents is to embarrass them.

Children generally, but teenagers especially, tend to think that the prime responsibility of their parents is to embarrass them.

By Tim Middleton

As they grow older, they plead with us not to kiss them in front of their friends and not to drop them at school in the old jalopy; they cringe at our dancing and singing and dress sense (especially when we appear to vie to be “the oldest teenager in town”); they moan inwardly at our screaming and ululating and cavorting at matches.

Whether we plead that we are not deliberately setting out to embarrass them, it would help us to heed the simple piece of advice from a wise man many years ago who said, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children” while on another occasion he added, “Do not embitter your children.” (Note: we will embitter them if we exasperate them).

Our initial response would be that we would never exasperate our children! Why on earth would we do that? And of course, we would probably follow it up quickly with a defensive riposte that it is our children who exasperate us!

However, it is not the things that embarrass them that exasperate them; it is much more than such superficialities. In what might appear to contradict what was said in a previous article (“Say ‘No’ So They Know”), it is the notable “nos” that we present them with that exasperate them. It is not us saying “no” to them which will exasperate them, but it is the things they do not see in us as parents that does that. This is what exasperates children.

Firstly, they receive no explanations — children will no longer accept “because I say so”; they want (and deserve) reasons and if we cannot give them, why are we making such statements. We should, after all, be encouraging them to ask questions (respectfully, by all means).

Secondly, they see no consistency, be that in the “rules” we set, the behaviour we show (they will not accept “Don’t do as I do; do as I say” — they hate hypocrisy) or the punishment we give. Furthermore, they can see that we often change our minds or our stance, which only leads to further frustration.

Thirdly, they find no understanding — this generation is nothing like the generation when we were children and we need to understand them. Our older generation expects youngsters to behave as we did and cannot understand why they do not. We need to start gaining some understanding.

Fourthly, they notice no attention — we cannot use the lame excuse that “I am busy” as the message to them is they are of no (or less) value. The children are looking for heroes and there could be one right there in their home, if the parent would only understand and wake up to that truth.

Our children want to know they are seen. Sadly, we as parents are taken in by the children’s assertion that they do not want their parent to watch them play — of course they do! What they do not want, however, is for the parent to pick up on all the faults or embarrass them!

Fifthly, they gain no trust — before we claim that they must earn our trust (which is actually a contradiction in terms), we might ask ourselves how much we have earned their trust?

We do not trust them on big things because we have not trusted them on small things. We have not given them responsibilities where they could have proved their trustworthiness. We need to trust them to do things, even (especially) when they do not do them well.

Sixthly, they feel no encouragement — we only ever point out their failings and foibles. As Suzy Kassem wrote, “The worst thing in life is having parents that always stand against you and never with you. They discourage you, instil fear in you, hold you back, push you down and never encourage you to fly forward.”

Our responsibility as parents is to “bring” them up; we are not to get someone else to do it. Our responsibility is to bring them “up”, not drag them down (“up” will enable them to fly and thus to “fly forward”); we are called to raise their standards, their sights, their strengths, not their levels of embarrassment, exasperation or embitterment.

So no more lack of explanation, consistency, understanding, attention, trust and encouragement — then our children will be glad to know us.

l Tim Middleton is the executive director of the Association of Trust Schools and author of the book on “failure” called Failing to Win.

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