inside out:with Respect Chofamba
Traditionally there are defined roles for men and women, and these roles shape society’s expectations of what one ought to be and do. The role of the daughter-in-law in the family is one which is currently shifting and challenging the old way of thinking and new dynamics have come up. However, just coming out of the holidays makes one question if anything has really changed or shifted on the role of the daughter-in-law.
Holidays such as Christmas are synonymous with family gatherings, and often require that daughters-in-law ensure that everyone is fed, the house cleaned and everyone is well-taken care of. This is despite one’s social standing and place in society. At a certain time of the day all daughters-in-law are expected to be doing one thing or the other to make sure that there is enough food to eat. While talk of how the wealthy do nothing seem to be topical during the festive season, it still does not take away the fact that a daughter-in-law’s role stands, and not only for the in-laws, but for their husbands as well “What is expected of any daughter-in-law at family gatherings is nothing extraordinary,” said Sekuru Jiri, an elderly man, who has five daughters-in-law.
“It’s the basic things that they do in their homes to make sure that their families are well taken care of, however, when the whole family is gathered together its at a larger scale.”
There are a number of ladies that agree with this view, including Merciful Sithole, who has been married for eight years.
“Whenever I go to my husband’s rural home, I know it’s time to play the daughter-in-law,” said Sithole.
“I honestly just view it as part of the role I have to play and I expect my husband to do the same when we visit my rural home.
“It is not a burden or anything that makes me lose my peace, but rather it brings me joy when I see everyone well-taken care of.”
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Tarisai Mukumba, who has been married for over 15 years, does not agree with this view.
“To be honest, the expectations that people have of daughters-in-law are just ridiculous,” she said.
“I am expected to wake up and cook the whole day without a break, while men just chat away the day. I find it frustrating and tiring, especially considering that I will be looking forward to the holiday so I can get some rest and a break from work.”
Pinky Gumbo, who has been married for 13 years, agrees: “It’s just insensitivity that some people have.”
“The holidays are for us to rest, not to get some physical labour done. I personally go to my husband’s rural home with my maid to do all the work that I am supposed to do as the daughter-in-law and my in-laws don’t mind.
“It honestly does not make me any less of their daughter-in-law.”
While many may view Gumbo’s solution as radical, there are many more radical women who are in total agreement with her.
“I absolutely hate it when everything I am comes down to my ability to cook sadza in a big pot,” said Rutendo Mupa.
“I do a lot of things that a lot of males are failing to do in my job and I do not get it why they think the level of my femininity and ability to be a daughter-in-law can be measured by how well I clean and cook — that is just a patriarchal and old way of thinking.”
“It is not about the physical aspect of labour,” said Gumbo.
“It really is more about the ideology behind it. The idea that as a woman I have to be the one to slave away in the kitchen the whole day while the men enjoy some booze and ask for more food, that is such a patriarchal mindset.”
While this view seems justified and modern, the more practical questions then come up. If the women refuse to play their role of looking after the family, who then is supposed to fill the gap that they leave?
What do the man think of this new wave of independent daughters-in-law who want to look good and not take care of the family, and where does this leave the family structures that make us proudly who we are?
Some men and women too, strongly disagree with the view that a daughter-in-law’s role is that to slave away at family functions and rather view it as something that keeps family structures in place.
“I expect my wife to just blend in with my family as I do with her family,” said Conrad Chitiza, who has been married for six years.
“Part of the blending-in means she has to do what is expected of her as a daughter-in-law. When I go to their family gatherings, I do what is expected of the son-in-law, and at times I hate it, but I do it because family is important.”
“Family structures are meant to strengthen family bonds and establish family hierarchy,” said Sekuru Rondozai, who has direct daughters-in-laws and daughters-in-laws from his grandchildren.
“The role of a daughter-in-law is one of the most important roles in a family and it can either keep the family together or split it up.
“When everyone is well-taken care of there is unity, oneness and love in the family, and you can taste it even in the food.
“Daughters-in-law have to know that when they marry into a family, they become mothers in the family and a mother will never complain about taking care of her family.”
Sekuru Rondozai further explained: “It is not belittling them that they have to cook and clean and take care of everyone. It is honouring them, and entrusting them with the lives of the whole family, because food can easily become poison that kills.”
“Whether the men and women see eye-to-eye on this issue, the question still remains: Is it important for a daughter-in-law to play her role at family gatherings? “
