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Conversations with Brendah: My boyfriend disappears for couple of days

Hi Brendah,

My boyfriend and I have been together for about two years now and I have always thought zvirikufaya. But I have noticed lately he has a habit of disappearing for a couple of days. When he disappears, he doesn’t pick up my calls or respond to my messages. I do not know what to make of it – when he comes back around he is attentive as always and brushes off my complaints about his behaviour like ndirikunetsa. Ndoitasei sha?

Jahman ngaasade kutijairira.

Paano disappear anenge achienda kupi? Ane depression here? Ane chipo chekurapa saka anomboenda kugomo? Akaromba saka pane mamwe mazuva paasingabvumidzwe kuona vanhu? Pamwe mukadzi wake waakaudza kuti akushanda out of town akazvara saka arikupota achienda kunoona mwana? Or maybe you are possessive and controlling and he is trying to exercise a level of independence. Could also just be wakungomubhowa and he is slowly working towards ghosting you.

Whatever reason he is behaving like this is unacceptable. The very least he can do is be honest about why he is now opting to spend time away from you without any form of communication to check-in. That is not to say people who are in relationships are meant kuita bhurugwa ne bhandi — it is healthy for couples to spend time apart pursuing individual friendships and interests (as in mahobbies, not chihure),

However, when the manner in which the interests are pursued, or protected in the case of his independence and happiness, only leave the partner confused and hurt, it raises a red flag.

I would try talking to him one more time (calmly and compassionately) to first understand why he is behaving the way he is and if he thinks this is normal. Then you can explain how all this makes you feel. This conversation and his reaction to it will highlight whether the relationship has a problem or if the relationship is the problem.

Challenge of the week: Have the conversation mentioned above in the order I say. It’s a wise person that first seeks to understand before they stand to judge.

Song of the week: Maidei (Peanut Butter) – Ishan.

Drink of the week: My crystal ball says you could be single soon. Save your drink money for then…you will need it.

Dear Brendah

Ini hangu ndakuda kusiya muchato. My husband and I have grown apart and hapana a sense of togetherness or companionship anymore. I still love him but we are now literally housemates cause we don’t hang out together and lula lula is non-existent. There is no longer any intimacy between us and I am convinced he is now seeing someone else cause phone yake haichabatika. The only problem is every time I tell my parents I want to leave they stop me and tell me kuti ndichengete imba. They wont let me do what I feel is right for me kunge ndichiri mwana mudiki. Ndotaura navo sei kuti handisi kufara and ndaabho.

Shasha, the very first problem is urikukumbira vabereki kuti usiye murume. So, in essence you are going to your parents like a child and then getting angry when they respond in kind. That is not adult behaviour. If you have your heart set on doing something that you feel is right for you, you cannot be going around asking for permission from your parents. They are old school, a different generation who will nine times out of 10, send you back because “ndozvinoita dzimba”. Waamunhu mukuru ‑— state your case, void of petulant emotion, and then ask for their support — not permission. Making it clear that with or without, you will still make moves to respect your decision.

Now I am never one to advocate for divorce so my last piece of advice to you would be to try everything you can to save your marriage, especially kana ingori nyaya yekuita grow apart zvinhu izvi zvinogadzirika mufunge. Dai aikurova yainge iri imwe nyaya. Chimboedza bhururu kuchengeta imba. Marriage counselling or maybe finding an older married couple you trust to guide you could be the start of a journey towards finding each other again and saving your marriage. And unless murume wako arimboko, that can only be a good thing.

Challenge of the week: Write down one thing you love about your husband and focus on that for seven days. Make a conscious effort to casually compliment him for that thing. Don’t make it weird!

Song of the week: Ichocho cha — Ishan. Zvinenge zvirikungoenderana handiti?

Drink of the week: Whichever bit of my advice you take, you are now needing to behave like an adult. So, pour yourself a double shot of whiskey, chug it back and grow a pair.

Ndiyoyo veduwe…till next week! Take care of yourselves…and each other. Zvichemo zvenyu kandai ku conversationswithbrendah@gmail.com

  • Follow Brendah on: Instagram: @blackladysyrah, Twitter: @BlackLadySyrah

 

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