The people of Nyamhuka, a dusty township in Nyanga, had a New Year treat a few days ago when the owner of the country rolled into town.
It was a delight for the povo, seeing President Emmerson Mnangagwa’s big Mercedes Maybach sitting comfortably in a massive pothole. The car was certainly more comfortable than the man himself. The President’s security officials made sure that he was as far away as possible from the voters we hear love him so much as he spoke to them. Clearly, they do this because they think he may harm them somehow.
We were then shown pictures of our owner purportedly on holiday with his family. He was immaculately dressed in a blue suit and formal shoes as he did some fishing.
If anyone was in doubt that our owner’s public relations people really don’t like their boss, this was it. We are sure that, as we speak, they are plotting the next activity to embarrass him. We can always bank on them. They are doing a fine job.
Holiday TV
The President’s alleged holiday came a few days after he attended what we are told was a church event, hosted by the real owner of the country, Kuda Tagwirei.
According to reports, the event was called the Celestial Chorus Soiree, and attracted other part owners of the country, including the leader of the uniforms; the man who was appointed to the Politburo then disappointed in record time. The event, we were told, was broadcast live on ZBC-TV, seven radio stations and online. It must have made for riveting holiday television.
The Herald, which we all know has a cabinet full of international awards for exceptional journalism, reported: “The entrance to the venue was a prelude to the evening’s extravagance. Upon entry, attendees were offered a unique drink that emerged from the wall. The dinner, featuring delicacies such as wagyu beef and alcohol-free champagne with 24-carat gold flakes, set a new standard for luxury dining. Guests were welcomed by violinists encased in bubbles, leading to a dinner set-up that was nothing short of magical.”
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It is quite apt that people were encased in their own bubbles at that event. They live in their own worlds, as far away from the smelly and unwashed masses as possible. This includes those dirty people at Nyamhuka in Nyanga.
Treasonous things
Some streets in Harare were closed off this week to allow large groups of elderly men in wigs to walk around and pat each other on the back.
We were told that we were witnessing the “opening of the judicial year”. There was nothing new, except for shocking calls by some who urged our legal officers to obey the constitution for no reason.
The event, it was reported, was held under the theme “The role of the judiciary in entrenching constitutionalism”. We can only assume that this was a typographical error in some office. We can assume whoever picked that theme has a long career in comedy after they are done with their currency profession of pretending.
Chief Justice Luke Malaba, the biggest wig of all the big wigs in the courts, was quoted as saying “everyone has a role to play in the entrenchment of constitutionalism by obeying the express commands of the constitution”.
While guests were still reeling from the shock, Acting President Constantino Chiwenga called for “retaining the judiciary’s sanctity and independence”.
Independent judiciary? We can only assume that people are still giddy from the festivities. Why else would they be saying such treasonous things?
Shocking revelation
Still at the courts, the Chief Justice complained to everyone who could hear him that he is losing critical staff because people were leaving their jobs.
We wonder why.
“The economic climate adversely affected the remuneration levels for the majority of the members of the judicial service. That inevitably led to a high staff turnover, especially in the lower ranks of the organisation,” Chief Justice Malaba said.
According to a report, the Biggest Wig said JSC operations “were not smooth sailing, in large part due to the high staff turnover the commission was experiencing”.
This, once again, is a shocking revelation by such an esteemed member of society. Surely, he reads the newspapers, especially the Herald of absolute truth.
By now, he should have heard that we are the fastest-growing economy in the region. It is obvious that these people are not leaving for economic reasons. He should have said they are mere saboteurs, bent on tarnishing our judiciary. That alone would earn him an extra term in office. Not this whining about useless things like salaries. And we thought he was patriotic!
Mthuli somersault
Speaking of the booming economy, it was reported this week that Finance Minister Mthuli Ncube had changed his mind about some of the policies he had put into law just a few days earlier.
After our designated apologists had finished their voices defending his economic policies, he quickly changed direction.
Of course, being a know-it-all who cannot be told anything by lumpen elements who never saw the insides of the Blavatnik School of Government at Oxford, the man was unhappy about pre-emptive reports that he had changed his mind.
“For the avoidance of doubt, the Ministry of Finance, Economic Development and Investment Promotion does not relay information through third parties, hence advises of the above steps that will be taken as a consequence of the consultation process,” Ncube said.
Nobody can doubt that the economy is in good hands.
Know your priorities
Just when some bored and idle people are complaining about useless things like medicines in hospitals and books in schools, it has been announced that the country is spending US$6 million on more important things — by-elections.
Zec chief elections officer Utoile Silaigwana, a man known all around the world for running the best elections, said: “The estimated budget for the by-elections is US$6 million, or the equivalent in the local currency.”
This US$6 million adds to the US$5 million spent on the last set of by-elections, bringing the total to US$11 million. Some people quickly started to calculate that this was enough to buy critical equipment for hospitals.
Why some people think health care is more important than winning bragging rights over Nelson Chamisa is a real wonder. Why buy medicines and books for kids when you can better use the money to fight the opposition?
Some unpatriotic people need to learn their priorities.
A lot of mess
Muckraker was delighted to hear that the government has decided to clean up the alleged capital city, Harare.
It was reported that the government has stepped in “to restore sanity” by supplying potable water and “rolling out a major clean-up campaign to curb the spread of cholera”. The story, dutifully, was headlined Govt steps in to fix Harare mess.
This is good. Now we wait to see who will step in to “fix Zimbabwe mess”.
Looming shortages
Due to the drought, there are obviously a lot of people wondering if the country has enough maize to last until the next alleged bumper harvest.
Naturally, the government has come out to allay any fears of shortages that the uninformed masses may have.
According to a report in the press this week: “The government has assured the nation that Zimbabwe has enough mealie-meal to feed the people amid fears of a possible shortage due to the predicted El Nino-induced drought.”
Now, Muckraker, like most Zimbabweans with experience of being Zimbabwean, including memories of one Joe Made zooming over crop fields in a small plane to assess cropping levels, knows what this means. It means we have a looming shortage and it is time to horde as much maize as one can find.
