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Next Year’s News Today

IT is hard to predict anything in Zimbabwe, but a special report by the Centre of Intelligence’s Spiritual Intelligence desk, a crack unit whose brief is to gather traditional healers, prophets, soothsayers and psychics to predict major political and economic developments, has come in very handy.

The spooks, after analysing the data sourced from sangomas and prophets, are convinced that the following headlines will come to pass in 2010.

Tsvangirai fights like a tiger

On the political front, Prime Minister Morgan Tsvangirai will fight like a tiger next year to push through political, security, judicial and media reforms emerging with more political power.

Security chiefs finally salute Tsvangirai

Zimbabwe’s security service chiefs have announced that they are going to be apolitical this year and are ready to salute Tsvangirai. Speaking at the MDC headquarters in Harare, the commanders of various security organs said they would recognise Tsvangirai as the country’s legitimate leader. He said: “We have realised that our conduct in the past has been very unprofessional. As such we are throwing all our support behind the Prime Minister. We want to eliminate any shadow of doubt that we are apolitical.”

President Mugabe steps down

While the nation is trying to come to terms with the recent announcement by security chiefs that they are ready for new leadership, President Robert Mugabe, who turns 86 next month, has announced he will retire with immediate effect. He will, however, stay on to allow for a smooth transition of power and government. The veteran leader says he needs rest and will be channelling all his energy to his memoirs, Chronicles of a Misunderstood Leader. But Mugabe says he is ready for a comeback if the people beg him. He says he will honour the people’s wishes as he has done in the last three decades. At the time of going to print, Zimbabweans interviewed by the Independent said Mugabe must concentrate on his book.

Evil West lifts sanctions

The evil West and its allies have bowed to ratcheted pressure to lift illegal sanctions on Zimbabwe.  This comes after threats by Mugabe to disengage from a year-old coalition government saying sanctions were hurting his family and friends, who can only visit the Middle East and China on holidays. He said: “These sanctions have caused me and my family untold suffering. As a result I was willing to disengage from government. I was very committed to disengaging and I am glad the West knows I was not bluffing.”

More newspapers launched

Five more independent newspapers have been established after Zimbabwe successfully instituted media reforms. Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe says he is happy that more independent newspapers have been launched in line with the Global Political Agreement. He said this showed that the “GNU was working perfectly. We are very democratic and my only intention is to shame the West, who caricatured me as a dictator.” But the presidential spokesperson has quit citing irreconcilable differences with the 86-year-old leader over the manner he handled media reforms. When reached for comment the spokesperson said he had been offered the same position by the North Korean government where he hopes his experience will come in handy.

Gono, Tomana fired

Attorney-General Johannes Tomana and Reserve Bank chief Gideon Gono have been fired. Gono and Tomana had to be dragged kicking and screaming from their offices after defying President Robert Mugabe’s order to step down in line with the GPA. While being dragged Gono screamed: “I can’t go yet. The President knows I am going to make the economy better by printing more money. The MDC is lying to him. Put me down! I will walk on my own.” Tomana said he was quitting because of political pressure from the prime minister.

Biti brings back Zimdollar

Finance minister Tendai Biti says Zimbabwe is ready to bring the Zimbabwe dollar back into circulation. He told the Herald that annual GDP growth of 15% supported the return of the dollar. He said he had been inundated with calls from business people to return the local currency. Biti added that increased capacity utilisation and booming investments running into billions from South African businesses would keep the economy on this growth trajectory. “I am no longer willing to commit suicide over this matter. Our economy is booming buoyed by Chiadzwa diamonds that are fetching record prices. Our decision is also premised on Economic Planning minister Elton Mangoma’s growth predictions for next year. He sees the economy adding a further five percentage points in 2011.”

Tsvangirai blasts West

Prime Minister Morgan Tsvangirai has lambasted the US and European Union for meddling in Zimbabwe’s internal politics. He was speaking in Pyongyang, North Korea, after meeting Kim Jong-il. The visit was organised by the United Nations Commission for Human Rights.

Villagers acquire 51% Old Mutual stake

Government has okayed a billion dollar empowerment deal that will see Uzumba villagers own 51% in Old Mutual Zimbabwe. Empowerment minister Saviour Kasukuwere says critics of his policy have been proven wrong. “We do not want politicians and a connected few to benefit again like the land reform exercise,” Kasukuwere said.

Mutambara quits GNU

Deputy Prime Minister Arthur Mutambara has disengaged from GNU alleging he is being politically sidelined by Tsvangirai and Mugabe. He said after taking a beating at the hands of the police with Tsvangirai, he deserves recognition. He announced: “The MDC is disengaging from government. I don’t have to be a rocket scientist to know I am being sidelined and sabotaged in government. I taught space engineers at MIT in the states. We are only disengaging from the MDC-T.”

World Cup final in Zim

South Africa has decided to let Zimbabwe host the World Cup final saying its northern neighbour had shown so much excitement in the tourney one would be forgiven for thinking the football showcase was happening in Rudhaka Stadium in Marondera. President Jacob Zuma said: “Our Zanu PF comrades have spent more money on advertising for the World Cup than we South Africans have spent on infrastructure development to make this a reality in their own country that we feel its only fair to the tourism authorities to let them have the final at Rudhaka Stadium.”

Constitutional poll in January

Constitutional Affairs minister Eric Matinenga has said Zimbabweans will next January vote for a “people driven” bill of rights after Zanu PF politicians blasted the once controversial Kariba draft as “undemocratic”. “Next month marks a historic moment in our country,” said Matinenga. “President Mugabe is a democratic leader.”


Chris Muronzi/Bernard Mpofu

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