HomeStandard StyleOf bazookas and cocktail sausages

Of bazookas and cocktail sausages

Outside of work and family, women are obsessed with meeting and ensnaring the perfect male creature.

Inside Track with Grace Mutandwa

On the other hand, men, when not scheming how to get or make the big bucks, worry about their sexual performance, how long they are going to be able to do it for and that world-shattering question — is their member big enough?

But I should hasten to say that not all men are worried about not being big enough down there.

There have been several surveys to find out which parts of the world have men that really need help in that department.

The male privates enhancement business has become a major money-spinner, so much that the innovative have come up with ways of giving a little help to those who need it.

We have all heard about surgery, pills and injections, but now someone clever has come up with some sort of therapist who helps the not-so-well-endowed get to grips with being small and how they can make the most of it — more like mind-over-matter — if you catch my drift.

There have been contests to gauge which nationality has the biggest male member and I understand in the last one, a brother from the Democratic Republic of Congo (DRC) came out first and, of course, Asian brothers were found wanting.

I think the only reason DRC came out first was because they did not include brothers from West Africa — I hear Nigeria and Mali would have done very well.

I also suspect that the well-endowed in the Asian countries did not bother to enter. You see, some of these contests are all to do with ego and sometimes insecurity.

Some men just want to be assured that they have bazookas even when they are just big in the cocktail sausage business!

The more I find out about some of the things men subject themselves to, the more I am convinced most men are sadists. As if showing-off their huge shlongs is not enough, someone very sick somewhere has decided to run a contest for the smallest toy attached to a man. I hear some men are even less than 10 centimetres big (or is it small?) and this is in their fully erect glory!

Now, why would any man want to make such a spectacle of himself unless of course it means he will win a chance to get a free enlargement? But in all honesty, if you are just one centimetre big when aroused, I think it is unfair to expect to be stretched to anything more than three centimetres.

You could however, have a good plastic surgeon build you one big enough to make your friends green with envy and hopefully forever keep you happy.

What I do not get is why we in Africa are letting the West make all the money out of something that we could take care of. After all, Zimbabwe gave the world an effective aphrodisiac Vhuka-Vhuka (trade name) — all patented and just probably waiting for someone to market it more robustly.

All we need is more collaboration between our traditional healers and medical scientists to come up with our very own privates enlargement industry. This could become a very lucrative and major breakthrough for the Blair Research guys if they want to buy in on this brilliant exploitation of one of our natural resources.

Anything can go wrong with surgery but some of my male friends assure me that the sausage tree is spot on.

Apparently, you can control just how big you want to grow by careful monitoring of the particular sausage fruit you choose your member to look like.

We have the sausage tree that I understand is capable of endowing young growing men with privates that I am sure even our West African brothers would kill for.

The fruit from the sausage tree — which I guess is the reason it is known as the sausage tree, is large both in width and length. To be honest, I would not want anything like that anywhere near me but hey, maybe there are women out there who hunker after such monstrous members.

What I am driving at is that Zimbabwe is not only rich in minerals, but also in other things that keep both men and women happy — aphrodisiacs and schlong enhancement herbs.

‘Size does matter to women’

Frankly, more people complain about small trouser toys than big ones, so if a man ends up with something larger than they hoped for, I am guessing it can only make him happy and more confident.
Some of the sausage fruit end up looking quite crooked, so if you end up with a man who has something like that, do not worry, it is simply because their chosen fruit was shaped like that.

And guys, when you hear women say size does not matter — they lie — it matters. But also remember that big or small, what really matters at the end of the day is how the equipment is employed and how you and your woman remember the act. Packing a bazooka and not knowing how to use it is just a waste of your woman’s time. Women appreciate skills.

I am not into putting myself into unnecessary danger, so all I can say to all the men out there who feel insecure about how small they might be, please embrace what you have and put it to responsible and good use.

Whenever you feel insecure, remember there is a man somewhere with just one centimetre of possible pleasure.
Twitter: GraceMutandwa1

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