A reader wanted to find out how women who go after married men feel when they eventually become the second wife and then realise that they have to share not just the husband but whatever little wealth there is. Report by Grace Mutandwa She said she knew at least three women who had fought tooth and nail to get their men to divorce their wives but failed and ended up in a not-so-cosy threesome. What worried the reader is that the women now wanted to behave as if they loved the first wives’ children and spoke about how they were even helping clothe and feed them.
The reader said she found it hard to accept that someone could knowingly try to break-up a marriage and then turn around and pretend to be truly loving and considerate. She wondered if these women were being honest or just trying to deal with the guilt of having tried and failed to get rid of the first wives.
I spoke to some women in “the battle for attention relationships”. Almost all of them said initially they had never given much thought to the fact that the men they were after did not have just wives but children too. They said their primary goal was to get the men to leave their wives. They said they later woke up to the reality, that they were tied to men with excess baggage and they had to be nice to keep their place in the family.
The women sound cold and cruel but that is the reality of life. It takes a special breed of woman to actually make it a rule never to date men who are already spoken for. It requires one to have a heart and a conscience to never be that woman who brings pain to another woman’s life. It takes sense and real love for a woman to put someone else’s children first.
The sad thing about relationships is that not every woman approached by a married man will take the time to analyse the consequences of ending up being the woman who tried and failed to snatch someone’s husband.
The women I spoke to all said when they got into their relationships, the men told them they were having problems at home and they were on the verge of leaving their wives. Men will always have problems at home, especially if there is promise of scintillating action somewhere else. Most men who tell their mistresses that they are going to leave their wives rarely do so.
Any woman who does not realise that it is not her job to fix real or imaginary problems in a man’s life ought to have her head examined. Men are not helpless children who need to be rescued from their wives. A man determined to leave his wife does not need a crutch to give him the guts.
Do not be the prop that fights to push another woman out of her marriage. Any man who tries to win you over by whining about his wife is not worth having. Falling in love with a selfish man who does not care about his wife or children’s feelings does not make you a better person. Marriage is a commitment and any person who gets into it and refuses to honour it is not worth losing sleep and respect over.
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Before you throw yourself into an overcrowded relationship ask yourself if you would like to be at the receiving end of such treatment — put yourself in the other woman’s shoes. If you give him the opportunity to cheat on his wife with you, you must accept that tomorrow he will do the same to you.
You must also understand that the man might go to the end of the world to make you happy before you join the rest of his family, but it will not last. When you become the second wife, all you will be is a drain on the family income. You and your children will have to share whatever is there with wife number one and her children. Your married guy might seem like a real jackpot right now but such associations do not always end well.
I appreciate the fact that there are more women than men but it is no excuse for visiting pain on fellow women and innocent children. Suddenly turning into a concerned person when the children of your rival are struggling will not bestow upon you angel wings.
If you fear nothing at all, at least fear God. Know that karma is not a good mistress when upset. It is not just the equilibrium of another woman you are upsetting – but that of the children too. We can control our choices and we also have the ability to decide what we want to be remembered for.
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