“Life has no smooth road for any of us. As we go down it, we need to remember that happiness is a talent we develop, not an object we seek. It’s the ability to bounce back from life’s inevitable setbacks. Some people are crushed by misfortune. Others grow because of it.” The quote is by actress Patricia Neal (pictured). Born in a Kentucky coal-mining camp, she went on to Broadway and Hollywood stardom, but found herself losing a daughter to measles while struggling to rehabilitate a son hit by a car. She later returned to films and won an Oscar for Best Actress. Then while pregnant again, she suffered a series of three massive strokes that left her in a comma for weeks. When she awoke, she was partially paralysed, unable to speak or walk, and seeing double. Once again, she fought her way back. Before Patricia passed away in 2010, she left behind a powerful legacy as she devoted her time speaking to stroke and accident victims and raising funds for the Patricia Neal Rehabilitation Centre. Through her interactions at the centre she shared how she had learnt great lessons about how adversity brings out talents which in prosperous circumstances would have lain dormant.
inspiration with Cynthia C Hakutangwi
What do you do when things go wrong?
We all face difficult times at some point in our lives. Sometimes, adversity comes in waves, with one hardship or misfortune following another. These times can change our lives and challenge our beliefs about the world. How you act when faced with setbacks and hardships can be as unique as you are.
The power of resilience
What makes the difference between someone who barely survives tough challenges in life, and someone who meets these challenges head-on and thrives? It’s the presence of resilience. The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines resilience as “an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change,” or “the ability to become strong, healthy or successful again after something bad happens.” If we’re going to get through the inevitable moments of difficulty in our lives, we need to learn how to recover and bounce back. Resilience gives us the ability to overcome obstacles and deal with difficult, life-changing events. It may require you to solve difficult problems, experience painful emotions or take action when you’d rather step back. But in order to overcome adversity, it is necessary to foster resilience.
How can you develop resilience?
It may feel as if the obstacles you face are tougher to overcome than those of others. The reality is that every day, ordinary people are required to rise above their circumstances, dust themselves off and continue on. You can do it too. Worrying, anger, complaining, denial or any of the infinite other ways we try to circumvent pain when things go wrong won’t change the situation.
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Focus on building relationships
Studies have shown that strong, supportive relationships are one of the primary factors in resilience. Whether it’s family, friends or co-workers, having role models, encouragement, support, love and trust is important to the ability to overcome adversity.
Accept change: When change happens, especially if it brings pain or hardship, it’s natural to wish that it hadn’t occurred. But once it’s happened, continuing to fight the change only keeps you stuck in difficult emotions. Instead, try acknowledging that this change is hard, painful and unwanted. Then ask yourself how you want to live and what type of person you want to be going forward.
Try to learn about your strengths
Ask yourself how you’ve dealt with adversity in the past. Take time to reflect and build upon your strengths, then use them to your best advantage.
Act: Overcoming difficult circumstances can require us to take difficult action. Even if it’s a very small step, it’s important to move forward.
Avoid the victim mentality: Instead of asking, “Why is this happening to me?” we could ask if there’s anything we did that might have brought on this trouble, or anything we failed to do, and we can make better choices moving forward.
Stop blaming other people: When we blame other people for our difficulties, we give away the power to change things for the better. The more responsibility we take, the less helpless we feel and the more confidence we have in our ability to confront our challenges.
Do what’s possible, when it’s possible: Sometimes, the trouble we’re facing is so awful that we can feel like giving up. Differentiate what you can and what you cannot change. Rather than focusing on the worst case, think instead of what else is possible.
Feel the burn: Exercise flushes out stress hormones, leaving us physically in a better position to face our problems. It also helps us emotionally, by flooding us with endorphins — the body’s “feel-good chemicals,” and by helping us to let go of pent-up feelings of frustration, anger or anxiety.
Cry it out: Crying is good for our physical and emotional well-being. It flushes out toxins through our tears, and helps us to face what’s happening, accept our losses, and let go of our pain.
Take care of ourselves: Hardship is incredibly stressful, so we really need to focus on good self-care, like getting enough sleep, eating well, maybe getting a massage. And most importantly, we have to go easy on ourselves, especially if we notice that we’re doing things a bit differently. This is a good opportunity to help someone else in need.
Create: Creativity is incredibly empowering, so it counters the helplessness we feel when bad things are happening. Pain is isolating, but being creative makes us feel more engaged in life.
Laugh: Humour is so good for our mind, body and spirit. It builds optimism and gives us perspective, momentarily bringing some light into the darkness.
Lean on your faith: Spirituality, meditation and prayer are calming, they can help us recover our strength and purpose when we feel lost, vulnerable or alone during difficult times.
Stick to the present: Rather than worrying about the future or dwelling on the past, focus on what is actually happening now and what is actually in your power to do now.
Challenging situations can often teach us what we have left to learn: Write in order to vent your frustrations, brainstorm strategies to get out of it, or write about a more positive time in your life. Read motivational, inspirational or encouraging words from others. Instead of feeling oppressed by our circumstances, we can use the difficulties we encounter in life to evolve as human beings. When we transform the unpleasant stuff in life into fertiliser for our personal growth, we’re able to become wiser. Regardless of what we’re going through, we can all develop resilience. It won’t prevent the hard times or take away our pain, but it will weave our hurts and losses into the fabric of a richer and more meaningful existence.
Cynthia Hakutangwi is a communications and personal development consultant, life coach, author and strategist. Wholeness Incorporated Coaching offers you strategies you can implement today to become a critical thinker and pursue a significant life. E-mail: [email protected]. Facebook: Wholeness Incorporated.
