American engineer, inventor, and an early computer and Internet pioneer, Douglas Engelbart, was always ahead of his time in his quest to use technology to augment human intellect. One of his quotes, “The rate at which a person can mature is directly proportional to the embarrassment he can tolerate,” is a personal favourite of mine. I strongly believe that there is life after embarrassment.
inspiration with Cynthia C Hakutangwi
We all have at one point or another gone through an embarrassing moment or two. The type of event that is so humiliating and mortifying, you wouldn’t dare share it with anyone else. In an ideal world, our worst experience happened to us alone or somewhere around the world that is so remote, no one knows who you are or has a way to track you down. The reality is not that, unfortunately. What makes it worse is people everywhere, carrying mobile phones with cameras in them ready to snap your photo in seconds. It’s worse that these “cringeworthy” moments get exposed for everyone to see and laugh at. Just when you thought you were over the traumatising incident, it shows up to haunt you not only in your dreams but also while awake.
“Embarrassment” is often used interchangeably with “shame”. Although there is some overlap, embarrassment and shame are distinct constructs. Embarrassment is the feeling of discomfort experienced when some aspect of ourselves is, or threatens to be, witnessed by or otherwise revealed to others and we think that this revelation is likely to undermine the image of ourselves that, for whatever reason or reasons, we seek to project to others. Potential sources of embarrassment vary according to circumstances, and, in particular, to the company in which we find ourselves. They include particular thoughts, feelings, or dispositions; actions or behaviours. Sometimes it’s words said in innocence but total ignorance. You could be meeting a lady acquaintance whom you haven’t seen in a while and possibly because they have put on some weight you say, “Congrats! When are you due?”—and she’s not pregnant. Or it can be a situation where you are meeting someone and as you go in for a hug, you are met with a handshake instead. Have you ever sent a text message or an email to the wrong recipient? Some of these situations can be dealt with by simple etiquette and explanations, yet there are others which seem to have irreversible effects that can haunt you for a whole life time where you literally wish that the ground could swallow you for good! Here are some guidelines and suggestions to help you handle the fear of embarrassment in the moment.
Stay calm, cool and collected
The most important thing you must do is stay cool, calm and collected. Take several deep breaths and settle yourself down by coming back to the present moment. Within these critical few moments, become mindful of where you are, what you’re doing, and of your immediate surroundings. Don’t regret the past or worry about the future. Just settle in the present moment.
Take responsibility
The second most important thing you must do during these uncomfortable moments is to take responsibility for what just happened. Don’t deny what happened, don’t try to hide behind your flaws or mistakes. Just take responsibility for what you did and for what transpired. It doesn’t even matter if it’s not your fault. You’re in this situation, and you must now gracefully work through this situation successfully. Blaming, chucking a tantrum or shamelessly walking away will not help you here. If you made a mistake, own up to it. If something unexpected happened that made you feel uncomfortable, then embrace these circumstances. You can’t change what happened. However, you can most certainly begin anew right now in this very moment.
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Think positively and creatively
The third most important thing is to think positively and creatively about the situation. It’s important not to allow your emotions to get the better of you. As such, it’s critical that you think positively. Staying optimistic and viewing the situation in a positive light will immediately open a world of possibilities. No longer will you be the victim of circumstance, but instead you will become the master of your own destiny.
Don’t take yourself too seriously
It’s important not to take yourself too seriously. It’s not so much what happens to you but rather, how you respond to what happens that makes all the difference in the end. Learn to laugh at your mistakes, circumstances and mishaps. Don’t get upset over trivial matters.
Don’t retaliate defensively
If you are criticised, laughed at or judged, it’s important you don’t retaliate negatively or defensively. Don’t blame other people for what happened. Don’t lash out angrily. Emotional outbursts can only make the situation much more unbearable and can potentially make you feel regretful and even more embarrassed. Instead, control your emotional responses, be open to the possibilities and take responsibility for keeping a cool head.
Don’t focus on embarrassing circumstances
Once the embarrassing moment has passed, just move on with what you need to do. There is no point in dwelling on things. You probably have better things to do, and you have the rest of your life to live. Don’t allow this one moment to ruin the rest of your day, your week or even the remainder of this year. It’s not worth it. Accept that it happened, learn from the experience, but don’t obsess yourself with endless regrets and “what if” scenarios. This is never helpful and will just affect other areas of your life in negative ways. No matter what happened, no matter how you responded, and no matter what ended up transpiring, it’s very important you forgive yourself and walk away with no regrets. It is only through forgiveness that you will be able to move on with your life. Holding onto things will only hold you back and prevent you from moving forward.
Cynthia Hakutangwi is a communications and personal development consultant, life coach, author and strategist. Her recently published book is titled Can The Whole Woman Please Stand Up! Hakutangwi is a passionate transformation activist whose message provokes people and institutions to challenge their comfort zones, live balanced lives and create trans-generational solutions through paradigm shifts. E-mail: [email protected]. Facebook: Wholeness Incorporated.
