Say no so they know

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What is it that we most fear? Are we most afraid of spiders or snakes or scorpions? Are we scared, as surveys of people suggest, of flying, public speaking, heights, lightning, small spaces, needles, dentists, dogs? Or what about some of the other (strange but genuine) things that feature in lists of common fears — the fear of bananas, beards or buttons?

What is it that we most fear? Are we most afraid of spiders or snakes or scorpions? Are we scared, as surveys of people suggest, of flying, public speaking, heights, lightning, small spaces, needles, dentists, dogs? Or what about some of the other (strange but genuine) things that feature in lists of common fears — the fear of bananas, beards or buttons? By Tim Middleton

There is one fear, though, that is not mentioned there and it is one that parents of children in particular have, even if they do not admit it. The one thing that parents most fear nowadays, it would seem, is of being unpopular.

Parents may be afraid of saying “No” to their children, be they toddlers, children or teenagers because they are scared of being seen in a bad light by their children, or maybe even by their own friends whom they too are trying to impress.

Maybe they fear the tears and the tantrums that might follow a “No”, the sulks and the silence, the rants and the rebellion, the accusations, the screaming, the pouting, the fluttering eyelashes, the protruding bottom lip, the “Pleeeeeee-ase?” before the age-old “My friends’ parents let them!” The fact is, the role of a parent is not to be popular, “cool” or “hip” — it is to be responsible, forward-thinking, wise.

We must not be struck down by the “disease” to please. We need to say “No” to our children far more, and with good reason, not least that they need boundaries and in fact want boundaries; they are actually relieved when their parents say “No” as they can then blame them to their friends and not feel so bad!

We parents need to say “No” so the children know. However, rather than simply giving a very blunt “No” and thus be perceived as a negative person or a spoilsport, we might find it easier if we do four things. Firstly, simply, we must explain in advance what is acceptable (and what is not), so that they do not need to ask, in which case we will then not have to say “No” all the time.

Secondly, we must give them reasons why we say “No”. The old line, “Cos I say so!” will not suffice either with today’s youngsters — they want and deserve more. Many children think they have an entitlement or a right to do what they want; they do have rights but they do not have a right to do what they want or have whatever they want.

A child does not have to have a car of their own when he is 16 or expensive gifts all the time or birthday parties every year. Equally, he needs to learn he has responsibilities to others (so that even if he thinks he may handle it, others may not). We can explain to him that what he wants is often not right or legal or moral; we can explain that it is not helpful to him or to others. We should show him respect by giving reasons.

Thirdly, we must give them alternatives when we say “No”. We know that as our children grow older, they need to learn to make decisions so, instead of saying “No” all the time to their requests, if we give them options with which we are happy then it is a win-win situation — they get what they want (from our list) and their choice fits in with what we wish.

Instead of saying “No” all the time, we can offer alternatives or let them make suggestions to help them know how to make decisions. It will help us greatly if we are able to agree to some requests, so that we are not always the bad guy.

Fourthly, we must give examples on how to say “No”. We can show them that we also do not always get what we want — holidays abroad, fast cars, fancy houses — but we can still have fun and we do not lose out by it. If we are confronted by our child who states he must go to a certain school, for the only reason that his friends are going there, we can easily show that we do not work where our friends work but we still have those friends plus we make new friends where we do work.

We are not being negative people by saying “No”; we are actually being positive by preparing them for a future — they need to grasp that they do not, and will not, always get what they want. Children want boundaries and need boundaries.

They respect a “No” far more than a “Yeah, whatever!” Have no fear to say “No”, politely, respectfully, firmly, clearly. We as parents must not succumb to peer pressure, when we are trying to help our child not to succumb to it. And just like our children, other parents are desperate that we also say “No” to make it easier for them to say “No”! Parents fear being unpopular and being rejected if they say “No” to their child but in fact they will be respected. Confront that fear head on — snakes, spiders and scorpions will be nothing after that!

l Tim Middleton is the executive director of the Association of Trust Schools and author of the book on “failure” called Failing to Win.

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