My People, I trust this letter finds you well. I could not be better.
BY DOCTOR STOP IT
I am still celebrating the loss of Lizard Ngwena’s puppets during the Zanu PF primary elections.
More of his people are still going to fall in the re- arranged primaries while even more are going to fall during the harmonised elections.
Lizard himself is going to feel the full impact of bhora musango.
I have said before that the lizard should be afraid, very afraid of what Gushungo the Great and his friends are planning.
He should try and do a head count of how many Gamatox and G40 have won and will win in the party primaries.
Even more worrying for him should be how we, as the G40, continue to get updates of his meetings with just about anybody.
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From the time that he and his project, Nelson, conspired to cruelly expose Morgan Tsvangirai’s illness to the world and detailed minutes of meetings of the central committee, politburo, cabinet and any other gatherings we may deem important.
So, in simple terms, Mr Dhakisi, be careful, hokoyo.
A new disease outbreak
A lot of people were very saddened to hear that Zimbabwe has a new disease that makes people look like they have bleached their skins.
Even more stunning is the fact that this disease can affect couples.
It is difficult in these early stages to find out the reasons or causes of this mysterious disease, which does not even have a name yet.
We tried to narrow down some of the causes and we refused to believe that marrying young beauty queens with a history of tattooing their bodies could contribute to the mysterious medical condition.
You can never wish the worst even on your enemies, so I would like to wish Marry and her husband, Dr Shenanigans, speedy recovery from their strange medical condition.
Given that it afflicted them during “Operation restore regasi”, for now we will say the condition is called “regasi colour” (kara).
Of course, some very insensitive people have been making all sorts of unpatriotic suggestions that the condition can erupt the moment that you start plotting a coup. The more one digs and continues with the coup, according to those insensitive people, the more one becomes light-skinned.
They say it can even affect how you speak Engrish, including sperring and pronunciation of certain words.
Before long, you could be heard saying: “Every riving person must choose between a roaf, a racto and a ritre of coca-cora for runch refreshments.”
Even pronouncing words like “exacerbated” can end up occasionally being a probrem to pronounce.
Chamisa meets the owners of the English language
Poor Nelson Chamisa, when he strayed into England, he finally realised that the language has owners who know how to use it.
Owners who will not be swayed by unoriginal efforts to mimic great orators like Martin Luther King, Barack Obama and the Great Robert Mugabe.
It was not about saying the most difficult “jaw-breakers” or clever-sounding phrases, which mean nothing, but excite his usually unsophisticated audience of yobs.
For the avoidance of doubt, let me repeat what that professor from Liverpool is reported to have said about the “leader”, Cobra.
We will not even go deep on that embarrassing gaffe about implying that his little sister and women by implication, is a tradable commodity.
This, in an era where there are many campaigns to protect girls from violence, human trafficking, prostitution, slavery and early marriages.
In the developed world where small lies like saying you have been invited by the queen or you have been promised $15 billion by Trump when it is not true, can make the hosts have a dim view of you.
People holding such attitudes about women (even if that is their practice at home, village or country) can invariably attract the label of having a caveman mentality.
Back to the professor from Liverpool, Diana Jeater, who is reported to have called Chamisa “dumb” for saying he would reign rather than govern.
“Overall, he came across as out of his depth, over-excited.”
There you are, little man.
I have always advised that the over-excitement of student politics and mature national politics are two different worlds.
As things stand, you continue to make enemies among blocs of communities.
First, you angered women following the sexist treatment of Madam Khupe by the militia.
At the same stroke some people felt there was a clear agenda against people from Matabeleland.
Now you have angered young women as a bloc. Hokoyo mfana!
I hope you know where the Brits and the Chinese stand in this Zimbabwean situation just as they did in the early 1980s.
Ganja time: The international herb
Joseph Hill, Bob Marley, Peter Tosh and other rasta men who called for the legalisation of marijuana can claim some form of victory now that we have essentially legalised it in Zimbabwe.
A lot of developments on the ground have revealed that some people have already started ganja production. Even the corrupt ruling class has priced the production of ganja beyond the reach of ordinary rastas.
I mean as much as $50 000 to produce the herb?
More on that in future.
Munhuwese kunaGire!
Ntombizodwa woyee!
Dr Amai Stopit! PhD (Fake)
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