As an observer of the universe and a student of life, I have watched many people change from their humble beginnings to arrogant and cantankerous people after they have made money. While others have kept their wealth, many more have lost it and they have no idea how they lost it. As they prospered, they abandoned all friendships whom they now regarded unworthy based on disposable income. One even said to me: “we are so connected at the top echelons of power, it is now impossible to have a mixed bag of friends!”
the sunday maverick with GLORia NDORO-MKOMBACHOTO
What is your bloated ego?
Your big fat ego is when exaggerated perceptions about yourself get into overdrive. Ego is your own personal, active and dynamic social construct of yourself. It is a form of identity you carve up for yourself made up of belief systems about your abilities, talents, personality and position in society. Because it is self-generated, it is vividly true to yourself, but might not necessarily be so in the broader world around us. Ego manifests differently in many people, but the common outcome is that it creates emotional drama and even trauma in the lives of those who fail to manage it.
Your ego can be fuelled by others Ego is the self-image of yourself and the importance you attach to that self-image. For many people, this self-image tends to get out of control really quickly. Many cunning people fuel other’s egos through endorsing and validating the already bloated ego. When those with bloated egos are successful, they tend to attract cheerleaders whose role is to ensure that the big fat ego balloons further.
Humility sustains luck
Humility is a virtue of being true to oneself. To try to be something that you are not, or to pretend to be someone else, is a violation of that most basic dictum of life.
Life is generally about choices. When you achieve mastery at something and become hugely successful, life presents two choices: to have humility and gratefulness for the success, or to be drunk on the success and allow your ego to rule.
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Success is a result of many variables, none of which have much at all to do with the virtue of humility. Competence, hard work, patience, intelligence, training, mentoring, advice, social networks, timing, luck, and working smarter and determination, perseverance and commitment to the work contract all factor into the achievement of success. Writing for In Character – A Journal of Everyday Virtues, Michael Shermer advises that, “…if we throw a good measure of self-confidence, risk-taking, and derring-do into the mix, this would make humility even less likely to be expressed. Perhaps this is why we tend to notice — and reward with public recognition — those great ones who also show a little humility along the way.”
Ignore these basic rules at your peril
The rules for success have not changed. They have remained the same since time immemorial. There is no short-cut to sincerity, consistency, diligence and dedicated hard work. Humility and gratefulness are key and without them you could very be eroding further opportunities for success.
Talking down to people is not a good idea. It does not matter who you are and how much you are revered in society, do not let your ego run amok. You are still a human being and your humanity and that of others equalises you with them. It is your attitude that determines your altitude. Ignore this rule at your own peril.
The ego trip is like a honey pot attracting bees. But whilst bees make sweet honey, they sting. Similarly, a multi-billion dollars made today can easily be lost tomorrow. A transaction that could have changed your life forever can fall through because you have allowed your ego to take precedence.
Ten years ago I hosted a surprise party for my husband. We had some South African friends attending. Among the group of 26, they met a male family friend of ours who was attending the party briefly because he was unwell with a bad flu. He left immediately after the main course. A couple of years later, one of our SA friends met in a boardroom in Johannesburg with the male friend who had left the birthday party early.
The SA friend remarked that he remembered him from that party and what a wonderful party it was. To which the guy who did not stay long enough at the party, replied and said that it was an awful party and he did not enjoy himself at all. An influential man in powerful circles in SA, our SA friend scuttled the multi-million dollar deal on the basis that the male family friend was a hater because how could he have come to that conclusion when he left the party prematurely? Our SA friend only told us this a couple of years ago and our male family friend never knew what hit him. This might seem like a small issue, but by being nasty, our male family friend was taken down and lost a very good deal. The way you come across is important.
Our male friend forgot his manners. Even if he had not enjoyed the party, he should have quickly put his thinking cap on and remembered that he wanted something badly from our SA friend. By using his manners, he would have brought himself to caring less about himself, and more about our SA friend.
Self-reflection becomes key. When the ego controls the self-reflection process, you have no chance of seeing the root cause of your emotional dramas as the ego reaffirms itself and hides in the self-criticism. Also, kindness quickly disappears when an inflated ego takes over. Tim Denning, writing for addicted2success.com, recommends to use “manners as a sort of mindfulness trigger that helps one to come back to the moment and not get lost in an anxiety-ridden, egotistical states of mind”. He further advises that “manners and the way you treat people matter. Entrepreneurship is not about you, but about serving everyone else.”
Bloated egos stand in the way of good judgement. It also blocks your ability to listen and make a true assessment of the dynamics present. Denning further advises that: “A lot of the so-called bad luck in our life can be directly linked to our inflated ego.” When a bloated ego takes over, sometimes you lose control to it and do or say things you do not mean. The winning way is to stay positive, nice and humble whilst being mindful that being nice can be more empowering than being nasty and self-important.
Letting go of big egos
The truth is that a bloated ego can easily cloud anyone’s judgement making them think they are now a super human being. The point is people care more about how you treat others when you are successful than the size of your bank account and the conspicuous assets you have amassed. The other things society considers is: do you care for humanity? What philanthropy are you doing, for whom and where? To what extent are you leaving a legacy so that others coming after you can be empowered to do the same?
Writing for pathwaystohappiness.com, Gary van Warmerdam advises that it will take time to extract our genuine self out of the matrix of having spent years building our ego, self-images, living inside of them, and reinforcing them. But just like we learnt how to read, achieve mastery in mathematics, walk, and develop proficiency at any valuable skill, diminishing our egos can be achieved over time. Things worth doing take time and practice. What better thing do you have to do than let go of what is causing you dissatisfaction and disappointment?
Gloria Ndoro-Mkombachoto is an entrepreneur and regional enterprise development consultant. Her experience spans a period of over 25 years. She can be contacted at [email protected]
