BY ZII MASIYE
Send off counsel to newly weds: Part 2
Ahead of all else, place god at the centre of your marriage
So much of the world’s drudgery and confusion will blow your union in all sorts of directions from day one. By all means listen to all respectfully, but sift with care true grain from the chaff… avoid loud, divisive and aggressive company… It may cause undue vexation to yours and your wife’s spirits.
Your ultimate peace should be with God, whatever both of you perceive Him to be.
Those that build their marriage on a foundation other than God, build a union in absolute vanity. The challenges and temptations awaiting you in marriage are certain and multiple. God’s guarantee is never that you’re not to encounter trouble and the snares of the devil. But rather it is, never you confront the devil in your own , personal strength, but always to adorn the armour of Christ and to hide and hedge your marriage in The Holy Spirit. For He will raise a standard and it is His name, never yours, that terrifies the devil and scatters all them principalities. Be neither too dumb nor too smart to humble yourselves before God and to renounce yourselves and submit your marriage to the glory of God. It is the first and prior of all marital wisdoms. Enjoy each other`s companionship to the fullest, but always remember… In fact, except for the glory of of God, there’s no point in your union.
Your cellphone: The devil’s favourite playground
Life is an intriguing battle between the pursuit of individual liberty and the demands of accountability… If they had their way , our bodies would forever rebel from the annoying attention of parents, of teachers, of churches, of governments and of spouses… and live as the flesh commands. But no. Our bodies don’t have their way. We squirm our way out of the imprisoning tentacles of our parents only to voluntarily ensnare ourselves into the beautiful prison of wedlock! Yet for many, the rebellious human spirit of “my space”, “my independence”, “my friends” refuses to give way to new shared spaces.
It is those alone, personal and private spaces of our lives are the forte of the Evil One. By all means social media and WhatsApp are some of the world’s most amazing advances and the fullest advantage must be taken of them.
Yet even as you celebrate your happy union, the devil is always here with a singular mission… to kill, to steal and to destroy… Your cell-phone is the devil’s favourite playground and a spouse’s most vulnerable space. Love your marriage enough to protect it from your phone. It is a very good , but equally dangerous gadget. Respect and fear it. Ever noticed that, in fact the happiest people in the world do not own or use a cell-phone. The happiest families in the world run a very disciplined time-share policy between family, family time and WhatsApp/social media media time. Learn the habit to be at your most peaceful in the company of yourself , away from buzz and haste of the social media rat-race. There is an amazing wealth of peace in silence if you choose early, to gracefully surrender the noisy vanity of youth.
Social media can literally consume you and steal your family from you. Do not imagine it will sort itself out. Discuss this potential monster openly as partners and agree an appropriate social media family policy and workable WhatsApp management rules.
Behold her pretty eyes and re-imagine your wife`s face as your WhatsApp screen..! You have no shortage of juicy stories and matters that matter right there.
A good conflict starts and ends indoors
(Ingxabano yameva ecimbi lolimi iqedwa ngamazinyo… igaywe iphele umlomo uvalwe ngciii!)
Cherish privacy and family sovereignty. Your lives are not a public exhibition. Yet these values must never be used to put a lid on and to cover up infesting abuse of one spouse by another. By all means invite a sensitive, balanced and mutually agreeable auntie, close confidante or trusted arbiter to help resolve those of your marital conflicts that you feel overwhelmed by.
Embrace conflict as the inevitable oil of all marriage relationships. Your differences in socialisation background, in life experiences, in expectations and in personal aspirations are not only natural. They are desirable. They make the beauty of your union. Only develop the mutual capacity to bargain with sensitivity, to compromise with a curious sense of accommodating and learning your partner more, to find common ground.
To the extent possible, be assertive with your feelings and deal frankly with your differences, but chew and contain them between yourselves, liyi 2! Learn to resolve your issues within your home. Don’t tell on your partner to the passing wind! The people you whisper your marital linen to today, whether in confidence or negligently, have no duty to preserve yours or your wife’s dignity and integrity kusasa.
Umuntu ngumuntu ngabantu
The ultimate bank value of your marriage will always be determined by your humility and your humanity…the value, as a couple that you’re seen to place on other people, all people, that is! Again, your supreme example should be the countenance of Jesus Christ. This consummate quality of ubuntu, was amply demonstrated by God’s son in His comings and goings as He mingled with mortal men. The lasting signature and enduring footprint of Jesus while He walked amongst us, was His supreme love, His rare humility and His unconditional affection for all people… If He ever seemed annoyed and put-off, it was by elitists, the arrogance of the privileged and the condescending attitudes of sophistry and power. Kodwa yena kahle-kahle, He loved all and preferred to mingle with the weak, the simpletons, the “scum o de earth” , everyday hasslers enkomponi! Yet He was the son of God, and Himself, God!
If you two care for nothing else in Jesus’ life, you will do your marriage an enormous favour by plucking out that one lesson of great humility and unconditional love as the culture and driving motif of your union. Umuntu ngumuntu ngabantu… Kanjalo, umtshado, ngumtshado ngabantu.
Never be too educated, too busy nor too sophisticated for those that may appear undeserving of your time, for those that are lay n lame and less privileged than yourselves. But your ultimate blessing n sophistication must be a measure of how ready and how willing you both are to relate, to reach out, to love and embrace all with sincerity and the heart of Christ. After-all , wasn`t that was His parting instruction to you?
Induku kayiwakhi umuzi
Because you love and adore her, and she likewise, you two have signed up to mutual emotional empathy and a sacred covenant to forever protect one another from any and all forms of harm or pain. Her complete faith, her security, her safety and comfort are re-posited in your person.
Just how devastating a betrayal of faith when protector-in-chief turns to tormentor-in-chief!
Let not your intimacy and deep love for one another blind you to the possibility of disappointment with each other or a failure to tolerate being hurt by the one you love most. Your shared spaces mean that you’re likely to ruffle feathers from time to time. Be willing to feel vulnerable, to appear weak, to feel sorrow or anxiety without the temptation to react to pain by inflicting pain on your partner.
Conditioning your mind to solemnity, quietude and peaceful thoughts reduces the destructive trigger of negative impulses that soon spiral into spousal abuse. “Lomunt’ uyangdelela!” “Who the f… does she think she is!” “Namhla uzang’bona bla bla!” These are destructive thought patterns and violence traps, that are however easy to slide into which may form a potential abuser’s reaction profile.
…TO BE CONTINUED NEXT WEEK
- Zii Masiye (email@example.com) writes elsewhere on social media as Balancing Rocks.