My Dear People,
There is a peculiar kind of electricity that fills the air in Zimbabwe when the men who once shared a tank begin to share different interpretations of the Bible.
It is a sign that the so-called new dispensation is entering its most theatrical act yet.
From the quiet sanctuary of a Roman Catholic Church in Murewa, we have moved beyond the simple rhetoric of “command agriculture” to something far more ancient: the divine right of kings—and the prophetic warnings that eventually bring them down.
The Generari, a man whose career has been defined more by the roar of the barracks than the hushed whispers of the pews, recently chose the Book of Isaiah to deliver a message that has left the corridors of power in Harare trembling.
He spoke of King Hezekiah, a man who reigned long and well, but who eventually fell into the most dangerous trap of all: the belief that he was “not fit for death” and should rule forever.
Generari’s storytelling was vivid. He described a King hitting the palace walls in defiance of God’s decree that his time was up.
Hezekiah was granted 15 more years, but at a terrible price. He spent that “bonus” time in jail, having betrayed his kingdom’s secrets to his enemies.
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My people, if you listen closely, you can hear the echoes of the barracks in that parable. It wasn’t just a sermon; it was a strategic assessment. Kikikikiki
The backdrop to this spiritual intervention is, of course, the constitution of Zimbabwe Amendment (No. 3) Bill 2026.
This piece of legislation is nothing short of a political bulldozer. It seeks to fundamentally redraw our democracy to ensure that the “popular vote” becomes a relic of the past.
Under the new proposal, the owner would no longer be elected by the people, but by a joint session of Parliament.
In a country where MPs are often more loyal to their party’s “stomach politics” than their constituents, this is a masterstroke of consolidation.
But the real sting lies in the succession clauses. The bill seeks to abolish the automatic succession of the vice president in the event of the president’s death or resignation.
For Generari and Duggish, the path to the top is being systematically bricked over.
It is no wonder the Generari is suddenly interested in the fate of kings, who overstay their welcome.
While the bill’s proponents argue that extending terms from five to seven years is merely a way to “eliminate election mode toxicity” and allow for “project implementation,” the rest of us see it for what it is: a seven-year itch that intends to last a lifetime.
The response from King Munhumutapa loyalists was as swift as it was clumsy.
The excitable Garwe took it upon himself to offer a counter-exegesis.
In Garwe’s version of the Bible, Hezekiah wasn’t begging for more time to rule, just more time to live. It’s a touching sentiment, really.
We should all pray for “more life” whenever we kneel, Garwe suggested.
The factional daggers are out, with some already calling for Generari’s resignation for the crime of quoting scripture that hits too close to home.
Kikikikikiki
Munopengaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Meanwhile, as the elders fight over the throne, the “Princes” of the regime are being well-fed.
Sean, Scarfmore son and chief bodyguard, has been promoted to lieutenant colonel.
At just 36 years old, he now holds the sixth-highest rank in the army.
We are told this is based on “merit and competence” after 16 years of service. It must be a remarkable coincidence that such merit is so concentrated within Scarfmore’s family.
Munopengaaaaaaa
And speaking of first families, we have been treated to a cautionary tale from across the Limpopo. Chatunga, our youngest son, was deported from South Africa.
Caught in a web of illegal residency and an unfortunate incident involving a toy gun and a gardener, the young Gushungo’s fall from grace is a stark reminder of how quickly the shield of power can vanish.
One day you are the toast of Sandton’s nightclubs, the next you are being escorted to OR Tambo International Airport by the police.
Kikikikikikiki
Even our children are not spared the creeping hand of “nationalism.” Torerai has announced that by 2027, every private school learner will be compelled to sit for Zimsec examinations.
Torerai, fresh from a trip to England where he noticed they prefer their own national curriculum, decided that Cambridge is a luxury we can no longer afford to prioritise.
“It is only here that people think that Cambridge examinations are the best,” he remarked.
One wonders if the elite will continue to send their own children abroad to escape the very system they are mandating for the rest of us.
My people, the King Hezekiah parable is more than just a Sunday school lesson. It is a map of the current Zimbabwean soul.
We are a country where the law is a tool for the powerful, the pulpit is a battlefield, and the “extra 15 years” is the ultimate, if dangerous, prize.
Stop It!
Munopengaaaaaaaa
Stop It!
Dr Amai Stop it! PhD (Fake)
