“What time are we leaving?”
“Ten o’clock, Baba.”
A few minutes later:
“What time are we leaving?”
“Ten o’clock, Baba. I just told you.”
His daughter continued preparing breakfast. Before long, the question came again.
“What time are we leaving?”
This time she stopped what she was doing.
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“Baba! Ten o’clock! You have asked me three times already.”
Her father fell silent.
She immediately regretted the sharpness in her voice.
This was the same man who had patiently answered her endless questions when she was a child. The man who had taught her to read the time, helped with her homework and somehow always seemed to know what to do.
Now he was looking at her with uncertainty. Ten minutes later, he quietly asked:
“What time are we leaving?”
For his daughter, it was the fourth time she had heard the question.
For Baba, it may have been the first
That distinction can transform the way we respond to someone living with dementia.
Last week, we considered the difference between occasional forgetfulness and changes that begin to interfere with everyday life. This week, let us step into the world of the person experiencing those changes.
“Where are we going?”
“When are we eating?”
“Where is my handbag?”
“Is my daughter coming?”
“What day is it?”
The caregiver answers.
Five minutes later, the same question returns.
After the fifth, tenth or fifteenth repetition, patience can wear thin. We are human. Caregivers become tired. They may be trying to cook, work, care for children, manage finances and attend to countless other responsibilities at the same time.
It is easy to interpret repetition as stubbornness, attention-seeking or a refusal to listen.
But dementia invites us to see things differently.
The question may be new to them
Imagine receiving an answer but being unable to hold onto it.
The person may hear you clearly. They may understand your answer at that moment. But when their ability to retain new information is affected, that answer may soon be lost.
The question remains.
So they ask again.
When we respond with, “I’ve already told you!”, it makes perfect sense from our perspective.
We remember the previous conversation. The person may not.
This is one of the most important lessons families can learn:
Do not measure the person’s experience by your memory of what has just happened
You remember answering.
They may not remember asking. That does not mean repeated questions are easy to live with.
They can be exhausting, particularly for the person providing most of the care.
But understanding why something may be happening can change how we respond to it.
Listen for the feeling behind the question
Sometimes a repeated question is about more than information.
It may be communicating an emotion.
Consider Baba asking repeatedly:
“What time are we leaving?”
Perhaps the clock is not really the problem.
He may know that something is supposed to happen that morning but cannot remember what. He senses that plans have been made. Everyone around him appears busy.
He may be anxious.
A mother repeatedly asking, “When is my daughter coming?” may be seeking reassurance that she has not been abandoned.
Someone repeatedly asking, “Where is my handbag?” may be worried about security.
A person asking, “When are we going home?” may be expressing discomfort or uncertainty, even when they are already sitting in their own home.
If we respond only to the words, we may miss what the person is communicating.
Instead of repeatedly saying:
“Your daughter is coming at four.”
We might say:
“Your daughter will come later, Gogo. You are safe here with me.”
The second response gives more than information.
It gives reassurance.
Sometimes reassurance is the answer the person was searching for all along.
Stop testing memory
Families sometimes try to help by testing the person.
“Don’t you remember?”
“I told you this morning. What did I say?”
“Who am I?”
“Surely you remember your own grandson?”
Usually this comes from love.
We desperately want evidence that the person we know is still there. We want them to remember us. We want yesterday’s abilities to return.
But imagine repeatedly being asked questions you cannot answer and then seeing disappointment, frustration or sadness on the faces around you.
What feels like encouragement to us can feel like failure to the person living with dementia.
Dementia care is not an examination.
Our job is not to prove what someone can no longer remember.
Our job is to help them feel safe, valued and connected.
Try something different
When questions are repeated, several simple approaches may help.
Answer calmly, even when you have answered before.
Use short, simple sentences rather than lengthy explanations.
If the person can still read comfortably, a written reminder may sometimes help:
“We are going to the clinic at 10am.”
A familiar routine can also reduce uncertainty. When meals, bathing, rest and other everyday activities happen at reasonably predictable times, the day may feel less confusing.
Sometimes gentle redirection helps.
After answering the question, invite the person into another activity:
“Your daughter will come later. Come, let’s have some tea while we wait.”
A cup of tea, folding clothes together, listening to familiar music, sitting outside or looking through photographs may provide reassurance that words alone cannot.
None of these approaches will work every time.
That is important to acknowledge.
Dementia is not a formula, and people are not problems to be solved.
What comforts one person may irritate another. What works today may not work tomorrow.
Families gradually learn what works best for the individual they know and love.
And what about the caregiver?
We must also talk about the person answering the question for the twentieth time.
Patience is much easier to recommend than to practise when you are exhausted.
Caregivers may be sleeping poorly. Some are raising children while caring for ageing parents. Others are working full-time. Some have little or no help from relatives.
Repeated questions can become overwhelming.
Caregivers sometimes feel terrible after becoming irritated or raising their voices.
But caregivers are human too.
They need care.
They need rest.
They need someone who asks:
“How are you coping?”
Where possible, families should share responsibilities. Allow someone else to sit with your loved one while you rest, attend church, visit a friend, go shopping or simply have some quiet time.
Accepting help does not mean you love the person less.
Sometimes stepping away briefly is what allows you to return with greater patience.
And when frustration begins to rise, try to remember this:
The person is not giving you a difficult time. They may be having a difficult time.
That small change in perspective can transform an interaction.
Myth or fact?
Myth: If a person keeps asking the same question, they are not listening or are deliberately being difficult.
Fact: Dementia can affect a person’s ability to retain new information. They may genuinely not remember asking the question or hearing your answer.
Demaz practical tip
The next time someone living with dementia repeats a question, try three things before correcting them:
Pause. Listen. Reassure.
Ask yourself:
“What might this person be feeling?”
Sometimes the answer they need is not another explanation.
It is simply:
“You are safe.”
“I am here.”
“We will do it together.”
Baba may ask again what time you are leaving.
And yes, you may have answered many times.
But perhaps the measure of compassionate dementia care is not how successfully we make Baba remember our answer.
Perhaps it is whether, in that moment of uncertainty, we help him feel that he is not alone.
Until next week, let us continue building a Zimbabwe where every person living with dementia is understood, supported and treated with
Dementia care is not an examination.
Our job is not to prove what someone can no longer remember.
Our job is to help them feel safe, valued and connected.
Try something different
When questions are repeated, several simple approaches may help.
Answer calmly, even when you have answered before.
Use short, simple sentences rather than lengthy explanations.
If the person can still read comfortably, a written reminder may sometimes help:
“We are going to the clinic at 10am.”
A familiar routine can also reduce uncertainty. When meals, bathing, rest and other everyday activities happen at reasonably predictable times, the day may feel less confusing.
Sometimes gentle redirection helps.
After answering the question, invite the person into another activity:
“Your daughter will come later. Come, let’s have some tea while we wait.”
A cup of tea, folding clothes together, listening to familiar music, sitting outside or looking through photographs may provide reassurance that words alone cannot.
None of these approaches will work every time.
That is important to acknowledge.
Dementia is not a formula, and people are not problems to be solved.
What comforts one person may irritate another. What works today may not work tomorrow.
Families gradually learn what works best for the individual they know and love.
And what about the caregiver?
We must also talk about the person answering the question for the twentieth time.
Patience is much easier to recommend than to practise when you are exhausted.
Caregivers may be sleeping poorly. Some are raising children while caring for ageing parents. Others are working full-time. Some have little or no help from relatives.
Repeated questions can become overwhelming.
Caregivers sometimes feel terrible after becoming irritated or raising their voices.
But caregivers are human too.
They need care.
They need rest.
They need someone who asks:
“How are you coping?”
Where possible, families should share responsibilities. Allow someone else to sit with your loved one while you rest, attend church, visit a friend, go shopping or simply have some quiet time.
Accepting help does not mean you love the person less.
Sometimes stepping away briefly is what allows you to return with greater patience.
And when frustration begins to rise, try to remember this:
The person is not giving you a difficult time. They may be having a difficult time.
That small change in perspective can transform an interaction.
Myth or fact?
Myth: If a person keeps asking the same question, they are not listening or are deliberately being difficult.
Fact: Dementia can affect a person’s ability to retain new information. They may genuinely not remember asking the question or hearing your answer.
Demaz practical tip
The next time someone living with dementia repeats a question, try three things before correcting them:
Pause. Listen. Reassure.
Ask yourself:
“What might this person be feeling?”
*Ruth Memeza is the founder and executive director of Dementia Awareness Zimbabwe (Demaz). I am an author, dementia educator and advocate with many years of experience in health and social care, including training and assessing dementia care in the United Kingdom.Feedback: [email protected]
