To most imbibers, the idea of downing their favourite intoxicating beverage while in the comfort of their homes is unimaginable.
laughing it off with Blaah Dhee
Even if one was to be enticed by the availability of plenty of the intoxicating waters, coupled with a good sound system and favourite tunes to go along with it, not to mention the presence of the lady of the house, many would still opt to drink somewhere else than at that place called home. But why, one would ask?
Unfortunately, the number one stumbling bloke with downing alcoholic beverages while at home is the lady of the house, so say the many folks who frequent the bhombi stombi (bottle store).
You see, according to the folks at the watering hole, the ladies of the home (madzimai) have schedules they follow in tackling their household chores in respect of each day, which they adhere to religiously. Anyone other than themselves who tries to upset that laid-down schedule is sure to face their wrath.
For starters, alcoholic beverages have this tendency of making you somehow feel hungry. It even gets worse if the beverage is laced with whisky or brandy (simbi). Consequently, imbibers need “throw-ins” (food) now and then. Hence, at most conventional drinking outlets, snacks are served now and then.
Even at the bhombi stombi, provisions are in place to enable patrons to make their own feeding arrangements.
Now, when drinking at home, the mothers of the home may once in a while tolerate cooking for you that traditional early morning sadza (chimutsa), albeit grudgingly since it has no place in the said daily household chores schedule.
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For in their morning schedule, people will have tea (which is less labourious to prepare) and not sadza. Having tea after one or two beers is a non-starter. That is when trouble begins. Trying to prepare your own food is not advisable either. You risk a tongue-lashing as you are bound to be accused of making the house untidy.
“Mumba mangu hamumboiti sematsvairwa kana [My house does not look like its been cleaned up]” they will say.
Besides the chiding from the mothers of the home, there is also the aspect of how society generally perceives husbands who show too much interest in preparing their own food when the lady of the house is around to do that for him. Neighbours and visitors will label you a miser.
As if that is not enough trouble already, as one gradually gets high, so must the volume of the music. The tendency is to up the volume of whatever music is being played. All of a sudden, the sound system is blown to full watts. This is something the ladies of the home cannot stand. It gets them worked up into a rage. The loud noise gets onto their nerves naturally.
That will see talking automatically being replaced by shouting. For us, it is a road often travelled than not, it makes us tick. How else can one communicate as you try to be heard on top of the loud music?
It is a pity our wives have not the faintest idea of what the loud music does to us after a few beers. With good and noisy music, two beers will have the effect of double that number.
The more the decibels become, the more the merry we get. Loud music acts like a catalyst, it arouses excitement. No wonder when one drinks at home, more is consumed as compared to drinking at the conventional drinking outlet. With the music comes the urge to dance.
Some of us are such good dancers so much that even the likes of Alick Macheso will go green with envy. This is unbeknown to our ladies of the home. However, that is beside the point. Their only concerns with our dancing are their carpets. They will not stand idle while their floor mats are subjected to undue wear and tear owing to our stupid dances (in their eyes).
It is common knowledge that beer has better taste and appeal when consumed in the company of those of the fairer sex, mhamba ingonaka pane madzimai. As one gets tipsier, the dancing becomes meaningless without a woman besides you. Do I hear someone saying “but your wife will be there”?
Behold, mention anything along those lines and you will be told in your face, “Kana madhakwa chiendai kunorara [If you have had more than you can handle, retire to bed].”
The next time you think of drinking at home, you now know what to expect. So you see, it is not by choice that we hang around at the bhombi stombi, but by design, courtesy of the ladies of the houses — our wives.
